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Five Girls You’ll Meet at a Music Festival

Warm weather is upon us, and that means one thing: spring and summer music festivals! All across the country, these muddy rock ’n’ roll sweat fests are popping up, and you should be fully prepared. So gentlemen, we present you with the five different girls you might meet while you’re tweaking out to all your favorite jam bands, techno DJs, and maybe a dead guy hologram or two.

1. The girl who wears natural deodorant

Photo: Jennifer Becker / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Pros: Self-consciousness need not apply! You don’t need to worry about the fact that you haven’t shaved or run a comb through your hair for the last couple days.
Cons: She’s been at the fest for a few days now, in a tent, without showers, and without any substantial antiperspirant. Things can get pretty potent up in those tents. By the way, you don’t exactly smell like fresh baked cinnamon buns either.

2. The girl who likes girls

Photo: Jim Watson / AFP / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Pros: She’s hot and so is her girlfriend…
Cons: The two of them will use these powers against you to get to the front of the crowd.

3. The girl who got dragged here with her friends

Photo: John Rensten / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Pros: This girl probably won’t be stoned or incoherent when you try to chat her up; if you’re not crazy about the current act on stage she’s the perfect partner in crime. (Especially if you plan a heist on the Churro stand.)
Cons: Radiohead-who? Skrillex-huh? She doesn’t know or even like any of the music, she hates the crowds, and has a sour face the entire time while she complains about the lack benches.

4.  The girl documenting the entire festival on her Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr…

Photo: Forest Woodward / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Pros: Memories? No, just kidding. Steer clear of her…
Cons: …Unless you want your boss and your grandma and everyone else to see that video of you trying every drug under the hot, hot sun while thrashing to Florence + the Machine. We honestly don’t know which part of that would be more embarrassing.

5.  The girl who can’t keep her clothes on

Photo: Forest Woodward / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Pros:  She takes off her bikini top… a lot… through entire set lists… once every song at least.
Cons: We can’t think of any, but to be fair, let’s just say not every moment during a concert is the right time for boob flashing. That stuff should be saved for the really special moments, like right before the encore or the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade when Snoopy rounds the corner. (At least that’s when ma used to do it. Family traditions are the sexiest!)