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Ivanka Trump: gold-dipped, cleavage-stacked heiress-fantasy.

Donald Trump: prune-faced, ginger-wigged money-shitter.

Bryce Dallas Howard: flame-haired, alabaster-skinned dream-girl.

Ron Howard: droopy-drawer’d, slap-headed Fonzy-botherer.

Liv Tyler: elven-featured, bedroom-eyed sex-nymph.

Steven Tyler: fish-lipped, tights-flashing screech-merchant.

Miley Cyrus: salvia-smoking, bubblegum-voiced party-chick.

Billy Ray Cyrus: soul patch-wearing, line-dance-scoring mullet-innovator.

Abby Elliott: cheeky-grinned, girl-next-door giggle-vixen.

Chris Elliott: fungus-chinned, wonky-eyed goon-mutant.

Lily Collins: silky-haired, twinkly-eyed schoolboy-crush.

Phil Collins: doorman-looking, prog-noodling jacket-requirer.

Check out our Dads and Grads Gift Guide.

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