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Kat Dennings, <i><a href="" target="_blank">2 Broke Girls</a></i>- Where: CBS
When: Mondays, 9:30/8:30c
Why: The show's title belies the fact that there is absolutely nothing broke on curvaceous Kat Dennings. She makes blind men weep when they hear sound waves lucky enough to echo off her body. She’s also more well-read than you, and her interests outnumber yours, and she’s probably a better person besides. Her personality is that of your adorable girlfriend who just woke up, but her day job is goddess.

Rachel Bilson, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Hart of Dixie</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Mondays, 9/8c
Why: Rachel Bilson is so cute she can never look into a mirror, for fear her reflection will fall in love with her and claw its way into our world. Oh man, that would be hot. Terrifying, but hot. This sounds like one of those shows where they came up with the title first and then decided to cobble a concept for it out of Reese Witherspoon movies, but dammit: Rachel Bilson is going to make us watch.

Sarah Michelle Gellar, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Ringer</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Tuesdays, 9/8c
Why: The only thing better than Sarah Michelle Gellar is two Sarah Michelles Gellars, or possibly seven Kristy Swansons. Anyway, in Ringer she plays her own identity-stealing twin, because not even she can resist the desire to have Sarah Michelle Gellar. We wish her well in this endeavor, but if ratings dip, it wouldn’t hurt to introduce a few vampires in need of staking. Just sayin’.

Amber Heard, <i><a href="" target="_blank">The Playboy Club</a></i>- Where: NBC
When: Mondays, 10/9c
Why: We hope this show has solid writing, because otherwise the only attraction to this show is knockout Amber Heard in a Bunny uniform. So…yeah, either way it’s must-see TV. She grew up in Austin, which means three things: 1) She knows what barbecue ought to be. 2) She has good taste in music. 3) She will look good in a Playboy Bunny costume. That last one isn’t necessarily true, but you have to figure if a lady willingly leaves a fun city like Austin, it’s because she knows there’s a Bunny suit out there that needs to be filled with classic beauty.

Whitney Cummings, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Whitney</a></i>- Where: NBC
When: Thursdays, 9:30/8:30c
Why: Not only is she creator, producer, and star of her own show, she also created 2 Broke Girls. You’ve got maybe too much going on, Whitney Cummings, why not kick back, tell us a joke, and sip a scotch while we reflect on how much we love funny, brainy women? No? Fine, it’s obvious that success and productivity are more important than the seductions of a total stranger. Okay, and you caught us staring at you creepily from behind the couch. Sorry.

Britt Robertson, <i><a href="" target="_blank">The Secret Circle</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Thursdays, 9/8c
Why: Let us be the first ones to make what will be fall’s most overused headline: She put a spell on us. There! Now that blood has been drawn, let’s get back to Britt Robertson, an apple-cheeked lass with the starring role as the newest witch in a family of witches attending an all-witch high school. Which witch is which? We honestly don’t care as long as we can get in a witch sandwich. Or if we could just get a sandwich, that’d be pretty good too.

Minka Kelly, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Charlie’s Angels</a></i>- Where: ABC
When: Thursdays, 8/7c
Why: Minka Kelly is proof God exists and He's too intimidated by her beauty to ask her out. Nothing is perfect in this world except for Minka Kelly and "Sweet Emotion," both of which were created by Aerosmith. Now that she's single, America would like a word with her, and that word is “Guh.” The Friday Night Lights alum returns to TV as Agent Sexy Von Charming in this reboot of...of...what were we talking about? God, she is achingly beautiful.

Jaime Pressly, <i><a href="" target="_blank">I Hate My Teenage Daughter</a></i> - Where: FOX
When: 9:30/8:30c
Why: Jaime Pressly proved she's as funny as she is gorgeous on My Name Is Earl, so without even knowing anything about the situation, we stand with her in hating her teenage daughter. Although it’s going to be hard to hate someone carrying half a helix of fresh Pressly DNA.

Jennifer Morrison, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Once Upon a Time</a></i>- Where: ABC
When: Sundays, 8/7c
Why: In a town where fairytales may be real, who’s going to believe Morrison is the only one who’s definitely not a princess? Judging by all the red leather jacket pictures shuffling around the internet, there’s a big, bad wolf in Morrison’s future, but her character’s name Emma Swan impli—wait a minute, why are we trying to figure this out? There’s a female form to be eyeballed here! And what big eyes we have.

Christina Ricci, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Pan Am</a></i>- Where: ABC
When: Sundays, 10/9c
Why: Man, TV is all coming up ’60s to spread that sweet Mad Men cultural pique on network bread. Well nice try, programming executives, but we’re just going to watch the scenes with Ricci in her stewardess uniform and ignore the rest, unless it’s a compelling drama that distracts us from…good lord, Christina Ricci in a stewardess uniform. And you can’t get mad at us for calling them stewardesses because we’re in the 1960s. Here's to a crossover with The Playboy Club.

Nicole Scherzinger, <i><a href="" target="_blank">The X-Factor</a></i>- Where: FOX
When: Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c
Why: Scherzinger sings, dances, acts, and just because she has some free time on Sundays, fights criminals with her superpowers. Basically, she’s perfectly positioned to judge a talent show like The X-Factor, and now we can’t stop thinking about her being perfectly positioned. Curse you, entendre part of the brain! You have triggered an unstoppable chain of fantasies, and shall be punished/rewarded with cold beer.

AnnaLynne McCord, <i><a href="" target="_blank">90210</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Tuesdays, 8/7c
Why: The more people identify 90210 with the remake’s sweet AnnaLynne McCord, the less relevant Tori Spelling becomes, one day disappearing from TV entirely. McCord plays bad girls a lot because everyone knows a woman this impossibly gorgeous must be evil. Surprise! She does more charity work by dawn than you've even considered in your guiltiest moment. Yeah, the one with the turtle and the bowling ball.

Kayley Cuoco, <i><a href="" target="_blank">The Big Bang Theory</a></i>- Where: CBS
When: Thursdays, 8/7c
Why: Her name has got to be an onomatopoeia for something - maybe the sound of a tropical waterfall? Anyway, look for Cuoco's agitating faux-nerds across the nation whenever the show gets her in cosplay to boost ratings. If they burn through all the A-list crushes, her options are going to come down to either Boodikka or Sexy Dalek. See, Big Bang Theory? We can sling pop culture references, too.

Yvonne Strahovski, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Chuck</a></i>- Where: NBC
When: Fridays, 8/7c
Why: The FCC forbids Strahovski from using her Australian accent on TV for fear it would be too hot for decency, so you'll just have to settle for her sliding weapons into her lingerie every other episode.

Alison Brie, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Community</a></i>- Where: NBC
When: Thursdays, 8/7c
Why: We at Maxim were omnicrushing on Brie back in Mad Men season 1, but then Community happened and our attraction was blown up like when the tornado devastating your trailer is suddenly devoured by a supertornado that wears prim sweaters and makes you laugh yourself sick. Gah! Marry us, Alison Brie, just...just MARRY us already.

Lea Michele, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Glee</a></i> - Where: FOX
When: Tuesdays, 8/7c
Why:We’re never going to understand Glee, but we’ll happily watch it to please our girlfriend while eyeballing the fine, foxy females sirening those song numbers (but even then, only when half drowned in bourbon. Even our eyeballing has its limits). Lea Michele is that kind of killer brunette you’d swim the Mediterranean for, but only if she let you do improper things with olive oil when you got there.

Michele Trachtenberg, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Gossip Girl</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Mondays, 8/7c
Why: Gossip Girl! So that's where Michelle Trachtenberg has been hiding since her last Maxim cover. If you haven’t watched this show, it’s about…y’know. Gossip. But also girls! One of whom is a firecracker once described as a “delectable lollypop” (and not even by us!). So because we like you, Michele, we’re going to watch your show. Then we’re going straight to the PTA meeting to tell concerned parents they’re right to be scandalized, but wrong to stop their kids from watching it. Your children could use more Trachtenberg in their fantasies, Mr. & Mrs. America.

Grace Park, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Hawaii Five-O</a></i>- Where: CBS
When: Mondays, 10/9c
Why: We miss us some Battlestar Galactica, but swimsuit always beats flight suit. We're just wondering which of the cops is secretly a Cylon (we bet it's that impossibly capable Dan-O). Anyway, since Grace Park is kicking ass literally every second she’s been onscreen since the mid-aughts, we thought we’d just take a breather here and appreciate the subtler nuances of a beautiful woman in a DRUM ROLL! Da-da da da DAAAAA daaaaa! Man, that show’s got a great theme song.

Olivia Wilde, <i><a href="" target="_blank">House</a></i> - Where: FOX
When: Mondays, 9/8c
Why: So House is entering its eighth season and all we know is it’s still not lupus. Maybe everyone just fell lovesick around Green Lantern's main squeeze? Come on, you try lying on a comfy paper bed sheet in her presence and tell us you wouldn’t have increased pulse, shortness of breath, cold sweats, flushed skin, and other symptoms of wanting an invasive procedure? She drives us Wilde. (Sorry, that was a bad pun, caused by lupus.)

Cobie Smulders, <i><a href="" target="_blank">How I Met Your Mother</a></i>- Where: CBS
When: Mondays, 8/7c
Why: It took us a couple episodes to notice there was a woman other than adorable Alyson Hannigan on this show, but when we did -- surprise! It was the gorgeous and funny Cobie Smulders. She’s Canadian, which is just like American except they’re not proud to be American. And they’re funnier than us. Apparently they’re drop-dead knockouts, too. Man…health care, hilarious Quebec separatists, Smulderous women… Canadians get all the good stuff.

Sofia Vergara, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Modern Family</a></i>- Where: ABC
When: Wednesdays, 9/8c
Why: It's nice that Modern Family happened so we no longer had to explain to our girlfriends how we knew all about Sofia Vergara. It's an extra plus that she's damned funny as overly clingy mother Gloria. She studied to be a dentist briefly, but that’s not important right now because damn your trivia, stop reading and stare at Sofia Vergara.

Lyndsy Fonseca, <i><a href="" target="_blank">Nikita</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Fridays, 8/7c
Why: Any good secret organization must carefully balance its army of beautiful assassins. Too sexy and you won’t finish the mission (due to being distracted by sex). Too deadly and you risk finishing the job before the show’s 40-minute mark. What you need is the perfect marriage of beauty and bullets; a Russian, naturally, or at least one played by a California girl with eyes blue enough to drown the sun.

Kayla Ewell, <i><a href="" target="_blank">The Vampire Diaries</a></i>- Where: The CW
When: Thursdays, 8/7c
Why: That woman has the healthiest smile in show business, which is important when you’re playing a vampire who ignores Death’s beckoning. Not only do you have strong teeth, you’ve got everything to smile about. She even flashed a grin in her mugshot a couple of years back for…what exactly were the charges? Being too sexy for the state of Georgia? You’re alright, Kayla Ewell. You keep doing your thing and don’t let the cops tell you no.

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written by Brendan McGinley

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