As NASCAR takes a break from its usual business of running races that count, inventing reasons for cautions, and getting Tony Stewart back on his meds, I am taking a break from my usual business of incorrectly predicting the top five finishers, mocking the Busch brothers, and calling Tony Stewart fat (this week I'm all about "Tony Stewart is crazy" jokes).
In a soon-to-be-annual tradition (assuming I don't get fired for the whole "mayonnaise in the fax machine" incident), here are the 2006 Worsties. So much has been written about who's doing well in NASCAR, it's about time someone honored the sludge of stock car racing. Why? Because Petty Enterprises deserves to win something, dammit.
In a soon-to-be-annual tradition (assuming I don't get fired for the whole "mayonnaise in the fax machine" incident), here are the 2006 Worsties. So much has been written about who's doing well in NASCAR, it's about time someone honored the sludge of stock car racing. Why? Because Petty Enterprises deserves to win something, dammit.
| WORST OFF-SEASON SIGNING | |
 "Don't worry, Jamie. We still like you more than Busch." | Jamie McMurray For three years, Roush Racing dominated the Cup, but since McMurray joined the team, only two of its five drivers are in the top 10. It obviously follows that Roush's decline is all Jamie's fault. And don't try to change my mind with "facts" such as the new test schedule, bad luck, and other teams stealing Roush's information-sharing techniques. Other nominees: Kurt Busch, Sterling Marlin, Brent Sherman. |
| WORST WASTE OF TOP EQUIPMENT | |
| Brian Vickers He's got cars and teammates worthy of a Rusty Wallace, yet his finishes are more along the lines of a rusty trombone. The former Busch Series champion has run into trouble in four races, but that still doesn't excuse his mostly mediocre finishes in the other seven races. Maybe it's because he uses women's shampoo… Other nominees: Ryan Newman, Jeremy Mayfield, Dale Jarrett. |  "Seriously, Brian, even I wouldn't endorse Fructis." |
| WORST CELEBRITY SIGHTING AT A TRACK | |
 Usher's latest confession—he has no idea who Reed Sorenson is. | All of them In NASCAR's never-ending quest to prove it's not just for rednecks anymore, it trots out C-list "who dat?" stars and "where's my check?" A-listers at the tracks every week. A deal with Paris Hilton for The Simple Life 4: Lube Job can only be a few weeks away. Dishonorable mention: Hilary Duff, Josh Kelley, Rob Schneider. |
| WORST EARLY-SEASON FLUKE | |
| Casey Mears The only thing more baffling than Casey's three top 10s to open the season is this guy's sexual prowess. If Casey can hang around 10th and 11th without finishing better than 14th in two months, pretty much anybody can still make a playoff surge—except Jeremy Mayfield or Kyle Petty. Other nominees: Kirk Shelmerdine, Michael Waltrip. |  Do you really believe Toyota and Ganassi are fighting over this guy? |
| WORST MARKETING GIMMICK | |
 I wouldn't mind catching NASCAR from Jewel. | "NASCAR: How Bad Have You Got It?" Is it a sport or an STD? Apparently, you can take some penicillin and your NASCAR will clear right up. Other nominees: Mark Martin's rap anthem, Daytona 500 cologne. |