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Halloween: Choose Your Creepy Gimp Suit

Sing joyful day, ye ghouls and goblins, for tonight we creep the living hell out of girls in cat costumes! But slashers have evolved beyond masks and disfigurement. Your modern spree killer is going to want an efficient gimp suit for its creepy featureless inhumanity, and society hasn't caught up.

In fact, Halloween has gotten away from the horror and turned into a sexy costume party, a concept we're totally in favor of 364 days of the year...but let's not get too far afield of the horror. This holiday was invented for two reasons: so Irish people could celebrate the one week of the year they had food, and so that a maniac in a William Shatner mask could chase Jamie Lee Curtis.

And while we're on it, to all the wiccans and neopagans who act like this is the day they're beset with stereotypical images of hideous witches: stop doing that. Your religion was invented 60 years ago by a gentleman who looked like an even more crackpot version of Doc Brown, which is fine, but it doesn't make you oppressed. People have been trick or treating twice as long as you've been pretending to get offended. The rest of this paragraph will be a list of what you have in common with the Salem witches:         .

Since taking candy from strangers is a risky prospect at best, let's keep the fright at the forefront. Here are four highly effective gimp suits guaranteed to terrify, delight, and give the world way too much information about your crotch, and where they're most effective.

1) Pennsylvania -- the most renowned gimp of our modern era would be It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Green Man, Charlie's ill-advised costume that no one but Charlie himself wants to see him wear. We're pretty sure Charlie is responsible for at least a few unintentional deaths, and despite being the heart of the group, he's the one most likely to cause massive property damage. This is the best costume to wear if you're a college student, because A) Everyone at college loves Sunny, and B) People will want to take pictures with you, meaning you'll have your arms around a sexy she-devil or sexy sanitation worker every time you do a shot. Just stay away from sexy procologist.

American Horror Story


2) California -- If you prefer a show even more hilarious than Sunny but not nearly so dark in its subject matter, don the pleathery faceless guise of American Horror Story's murderous Ghost Gimp. This costume has a proven track record of scoring with the ladies, in particular the extraordinary hot mom Vivien Harmon (Connie Britton). Although she thought he was someone else, and you're not a sexual predator, so be sure to disclose your real identity before you hook up. This will help the young lady find you on Facebook the next week when, like Harmon, she instantly becomes pregnant. It seems all the vinyl in the world won't stop ghost sperm; they can swim through walls.


Red Guy courtesy Rock the Red

3) Washington, D.C. -- Red Guy appeared when the Washington Capitals' Rock the Red fan community reached (scarlet?) fever pitch a couple years ago. Like Green Man, he's the mascot nobody asked for nor deserves, but may be the mascot Gotham deserves. Also known as Red Man, he is not known to have committed any homicides. However, hockey is a bloodsport full of projectiles and battering sticks, where the rules explain how razor-heeled brutes are to punch each other out. It's great!

Greendale Human Being: world's fourth-most most famous gimp4) Colorado -- Greendale Community College's mascot, The Human Being, is party to a massive waste of life -- not so much in a bloody fashion, but in the countless hours students spent pursuing a worthless degree while not learning much. Otherwise, this Community character is fairly harmless, except when it's creeping into the women's locker room, or stalking the campus with a bow and arrow,  high on marker fumes. 

So there you have it! Creepy, murderous morphsuits are among us. Could YOUR state be next? Stay tuned to these important news bulletins for more information, and for God's sake, get out of the house! The calls are coming from inside the house!