George Lucas can't seem to squeeze hard enough to wring that last drop of magic from your childhood, can he? With each reiteration of or addition to the holy Star Wars canon, he makes it more and more clear that it's his baby, he paid for the roof over its head, fed it from his own milk-bearing teats, and it's going to go to the college he chose for it, goddammit. And now he's loosing this Blu-Ray edition upon the world of geekdom, replete with changes no one asked for. Screw you if you want awesome changes like the fan-made ones above: you're going to get weird, pointless stuff, and you're going to like it!
But do you truly have the right to complain about the hijinks over at Skywalker Ranch? Do you really know your pre-revisionist Star Wars lore? Why not holster your whinging blaster and put your credit where your sabacc hand is? Face this quiz like a true Jedi (as in, one who trained, and wasn't just born with a high freaking midi-chlorian count).
1. What is Ben Kenobi mimicking when he scares the Sand People away from Luke's landspeeder as R2-D2 watches?
2. Who shoots first in the cantina on Tatooine?
3. The first time the audience sees the Emperor, who is he played by?
4. What simple but essential ocular function were Ewoks originally incapable of that they have magically evolved the capability for in the new Blu-Rays?
5. What does Darth Vader say when he throws the Emperor down the shaft to his doom?
6. Which alien species seen in Jabba's palace in the Blu-Ray edition of Return of the Jedi doesn't belong?
7. What was the most significant change George Lucas made to the prequel trilogy in the Blu-Ray edition?
1. A krayt dragon. The Blu-Ray edition changes the original shrieking noise he made to what's best described as a combination of the sound a middle-aged woman makes upon discovering the frictive joys of horseriding and the opening chords of a Depeche Mode song.
2. Han Solo. In the Blu-Ray edition, the scene has still been altered so that Greedo shoots first, but there's less lag time now than in previous revisions. (Still, console yourself that Lucas could have made the revisionary Star Wars even worse.)
3. A chick with chimpanzee eyes. In the holographic communication with Vader in The Empire Strikes Back -- the first time audiences had actually seen the leader of the Galactic Empire -- the face was that of Elaine Baker, the wife of the film's makeup artist, with chimpanzee eyes superimposed on them.
4. Blinking. Lucas "corrected" that mistake.
5. Nothing. Nothing is the answer, damn it, and should always be the answer.
6. A Dug (the evil hand-walking racer Sebulba from Phantom Menace was one) has been added to the scene near the beginning of Return of the Jedi.
7. Who gives a shit?
Zero right: Clear out of this cantina, Jar Jar.
1-2 right: Get back to herdin' them nerfs, moisture farmer.
3-4 right: Answering a Star Wars quiz ain't like dusting crops, boy.
5-6 right: Great, kid! Don't get cocky.
7 right: The Force is with you. Assuming they actually still say that in these versions.