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Ask Bill Burr: On Shutting Up a Co-Worker

Every week, comedian Bill Burr does his best to solve your problems. Although you may not always like his solutions... 

QUESTION:

How do you get your co-worker to stop talking about his sex life? I really don't give a crap and telling him that just doesn't work.
- Ben O.

ANSWER:

How do you feel about murder? (Not recommending it. Just throwing that out there.) I think you have to go on the offensive here. Next time you see this douche, before he even opens his mouth, ask him if he hooked up with anyone lately. The second your co-worker starts to speak, get right in his face and scream “REEEEAAAALLYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!” If that isn’t obnoxious enough, just knock shit off his desk whenever he tells a sex story. Nothing major. Paper clips, pens, or maybe his mouse: Anything you can do to interrupt the flow of his story would be great. Eventually this guy will make the connection and hopefully leave you alone. What if you brought in a water pistol and sprayed him in the face as you sang, ‘I don’t give a shit’? Anything like that should make him hate you and want to talk to someone else. Good luck!

BONUS QUESTION:

I had a girlfriend that I loved but she's married to another man. I still love her but that road is blocked I know. My problem is that I am finding it difficult to love another. Can you help me?
- Brown I.

ANSWER:

First things first: Don’t get in a relationship with anyone right now. Wait until you’ve come to terms with the fact that your other girl is gone for good. It sucks, but it’s a great opportunity to think about what you want to do in life and what kind of person you want to be with. You can’t figure this kind of shit out while being in a relationship. SO STAY SINGLE!!!!! Don’t be a co-dependent pussy. Man up and deal with the pain. When you come out the other side, you’ll be a stronger person and when another great girl comes along, you’ll be ready. Good luck!

Got a problem that only a brutally honest answer from Bill will solve? Email it to win@maxim.com with "Bill Burr" in the subject line.