My name is Judah Friedlander. I am The World Champion. Not a world champion. The World Champion. I’m the greatest martial artist in the world, the best athlete. I hook up with a low estimate of 120 chicks a day, and I’m a role model to children. In my book, How to Beat Up Anybody, for the first time ever I reveal my karate techniques and training methods so that you can learn how to beat up anybody. Some things you will be able to replicate, others you will never be able to do. Only I can execute them because I am The World Champion. But you will be inspired.
All the photos in my book are real. They are not staged. Here is a super-mini version of Chapter 12: Backyard Bigfoot Attack, which I have designed exclusively for Maxim readers. Because you’re cool. The photos at left document my encounter with a Bigfoot last summer in the backyard of my New York City apartment.
1. START WITH AN AERIAL ASSAULT.
It’s too risky to start with a ground attack. It is mating season for Bigfoots, and they can be extremely horny.
2. FIGHT HAND TO HAND.
Never fight foot to foot with a Bigfoot.
3. DIG YOUR KNUCKLES INTO HIS BIGFOOT SKIN.
For the record, this is not a short Bigfoot. He seems small because I have resized myself to 8'5" for this fight.(I have a separate chapter that explains "sizing," the ability to make yourself shorter or taller)
4. THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO YELL FOR HELP, BUT I SEVER HIS VOCAL CORDS.
A Bigfoot’s yell can be heard by other Bigfoots 300 miles away, and they can show up in 30 seconds to help him.
5. I DRAG THE BIGFOOT TO MY REGULATION-SIZE BASKETBALL COURT.
Bigfoots take great pride in basketball. It is their national sport. Not soccer, as it is commonly believed.
6. THERE ARE NO REFEREES IN BIGFOOT BASKETBALL.
Dunking on a Bigfoot is one of the most humiliating things you can do to him. I have beaten him up physically and psychologically. It’s time to take the Bigfoot back to the woods, where he belongs.
7. BUT FIRST I UNLOAD ONE LAST KARATE KICK.
I kick him so hard, the entire planet shakes.
8. BY THE TIME I LAND, IT’S NIGHT.
I’m careful to land softly, so that I don’t create a 50-foot-deep crater.
Remember, when battling a Bigfoot, fight fast. Bigfoots have an amazingly rapid recovery time from injuries. A broken Bigfoot bone can heal in six hours. That’s why you’ve never seen a Bigfoot in a hospital.