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How to Bring the Ruckus

JB Smoove (a.k.a. Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm) wants you to watch him host Russell Simmons Presents Stand-Up at the El Rey on Comedy Central. Also, he wants you to be the best man you can be. And to do that you need to “bring the muthafuckin’ ruckus” to every aspect of your life.

At the Work Place

“If your boss asks you why you’re comin’ in late, you say it’s ’cause you stayed late. If you put your foot to ass at your job, you should get credit for that shit. Come in at lunchtime eatin’ your fuckin’ lunch. Eat some greasy shit like Buffalo wings and walk in the fuckin’ office suckin’ on your goddamn fingers. Sit at your desk and finish your fuckin’ lunch before you do your work. That way he knows how the fuck you do shit. He knows, ‘This guy brings the fuckin’ ruckus to the job. He puts the foot to ass.’¿”

In the Bedroom

“If you’re a freaky-ass motherfucker, you want the ladies to know beforehand. You want to put your shit on Front Street. You bring a lady to your house, right? Leave the freaky shit layin’ out. Handcuffs, oils, and shit—so she knows what the fuck she’s gettin’ into. You know when little kids go bowling and they got the bumpers to keep the ball from goin’ in the gutter? You put them fuckin’ bumpers on your bed. She’s gonna say, ‘Oh, my God, what’s this?’ And you say, ‘That’s to keep your ass on the bed, ’cause I’m wild. I tap the ass.’ She gonna love it. Now you are controlling the fuckin’ ruckus. You see what I mean?”

On Santa’s Lap

“Now, here’s a good chance to use your ruckus in a good way. You wait your turn at the mall, then say, ‘Santa, can I sit in that chair for a minute?’ Then you make his Santa ass sit on your lap. ‘Don’t say shit to me, Santa, just fuckin’ listen to me.’ I don’t give a fuck if you’re five years old or 10 years old, you run that shit like a grown-ass man. ‘Here’s what the fuck I want for Christmas: I need a fuckin’ train, ’cause I like goddamn trains. I need a bicycle, ’cause I need to get to school and shit.’ Your life is a fuckin’ business, and if you want the shit you fuckin’ want, you gotta run the fuckin’ show. That’s bringing the ruckus.”