If Evil Dead’s got your special lady all riled up, our resident advice columnist/exorcist is here to help.
There are plenty of reasons you should be scared of your girlfriend. Maybe she checked your internet history? Maybe she caught you tweeting your ex? Or maybe, she’s just possessed by the unspeakable forces of evil. So if you suddenly find that your good lady has begun speaking in tongues, rolling her eyes, and growling, it might have less to do with the empty bottles of Sambuca than you first thought. The important thing is to be understanding - after all, your ladylove foaming at the mouth as she tries to swallow your soul is just another pothole on the road to a healthy relationship! Here are some case studies that’ll help you deal with your possessed girlfriend before she deals with you.
Worried in The Woods
“I took my girlfriend for a romantic getaway at a secluded cabin in the woods. Things were going fine at first - a little music, a little wine - but then I played a recording of a Sumerian demon-resurrection incantation, and all of a sudden it’s like she’s a different person! I know women can be fickle at times, but flipping from amiable lover to cackling puppet of the vengeful dead seems a little extreme. And I’m pretty sure she’s about to claw my face off. What should I do?”
Well, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have hit a roadblock. If she’s literally trying to kill you, then I think its reasonable to say you’ve given this relationship more than your fair share of tolerance. Now would be a good time to consider separation. And so, using a shovel, separate your girlfriend’s head from her shoulders. It may seem harsh, but sometimes breakups are better handled quickly, cleanly, and with a shovel.
Exorcising in Earnest
“My wife and I have been together for years, but lately it’s like I don’t even know her anymore. She won’t stop talking about Satan, and she curses like Lil’ Wayne with his dick caught in his zipper. Her head keeps rotating around 360 degrees, which is kind of creepy, but worst of all is when she projectile vomits - seriously, she’s like a fire-hose loaded with guacamole, I don’t even understand where it all comes from. Am I overreacting, or is my wife thinking of leaving me for Satan?”
The head thing seems like an issue for a chiropractor, but as for the rest, don’t worry - it sounds like your wife just needs a little attention! All couples need to take a fresh look at each other now and then, so why not make her interests your interests? Learn a little about the Dark Prince of Lies yourself, and if she won’t stop cursing and throwing up, just take her to a Cradle Of Filth concert - she’ll fit right in and have a great time. Alternatively, throw some holy water in her eyes when she least expects it.
My Virgin is a Vamp!
“My fiancée and I agreed to wait until we were married before we have sex, and she seemed happy enough until she fell in with some pale, European crowd. Now she won’t stop trying to seduce me - wearing low cut corsets, licking her lips, and writhing around on the ceiling when I’m trying to sleep. I love her and want our first time to be special. How can I make her see that it’s better to wait? Also, she has fangs and I’m fairly certain she’s killed at least three people.”
Sounds like you and your fiancée need to sit down and have a heart to heart! Simply explain to her how special she is to you, and how seriously you take your relationship. Also explain to her that she’s a walking abomination who mocks the very idea of a just and loving God, then quickly ram a stake into her heart and hammer it repeatedly with a mallet. She’ll likely object to this, so explain in a clear, calm voice that, as an early wedding present, you’re giving her the sweet release of death.
So there you have it - demonic possession needn’t be the end of your love life! With a little patience and understanding, you can battle adversity and come through the other side a stronger couple. Sure, it may end in blood, vomit, and chainsaw rampages, but what worthwhile relationship doesn’t?