If you need a date this Halloween, have you considered going to the other side? No, the other other side.
Scoring a female companion to shack up with can be a taxing conquest. Just ask our uncle Pauly – he’s 42 and has only had sex twice, and one of those times was in prison. It’s tough out there. In order to gain attention from a woman, you have to step outside of your comfort box and do things like press your shirts, spend $2,000 on vodka-based cocktails, and pretend to love all of Beyonce’s songs. However, for every woman who has sent your call directly to voicemail because she would rather apply a mud mask to her face or blend juices for her cleanse, there’s a randy woman from beyond who is waiting to make your body her late-night snack. Literally, she’s just waiting. In fact, all she does is wait, because she’s stuck on planet Earth for eternity. She’s a ghost! (Boo!) According to our research, sexual encounters with residents of the afterlife are extremely erotic and enjoyable, so follow these steps to score with a buxom banshee.
Step One – Smell Great
Photo: Tim Kitchen & M. Eric Honeycutt / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Even though they don’t have sinuses, spirits have a profound sense of smell. So if you want to make your bed bounce with a banshee babe, it’s important to smell fresh to death (pun totally intended). Unfortunately, lady ghosts (the sexiest ones, at least) don’t take a liking to Doritos breath. Rather, they tend to be attracted to floral notes like lavender, rose, gardenia, and apple blossom. Luckily for you, these aromas can be found in a pre-made basket of potpourri - you know, that stuff you buy at Christmastime from Pier 1 Imports for your mom. Invest in a basket of said potpourri and rub it all over your body at bedtime. For ultimate effectiveness, leave a note for your potential ghoulish late-night visitor that reads, “Hey, beautiful ghost. Does this combination of scents turn you on? If not, let me know what your favorite smell is. I care for you. Let’s have sex?”
Step Two – Choose the Right Locale
It’s kind of a no-brainer that supernatural smoke-shows can be found enjoying their infinite eternity at haunted locations. If you’ve never experienced an encounter with a sex-crazed ghost in your current living space, it may be time to seek out nearby haunted destinations, like mountainside bed and breakfasts, pirate ships, cemeteries, or the discount aisle at Sears. Be proactive, friend-o; stop by a local graveyard during happy hour and check out the atmosphere. Who knows? A few floozy ghost-babes may hover their translucently hot bods all over you. If you don’t meet a ghost during the cemetery’s happy hour, don’t give up; your local lady ghosts are most likely being a little shy, and shy girls are notorious for being mischievous in bed. Be brazen, bad boy – set up camp and sleep in the cemetery for several evenings. Become chummy with the cemetery’s groundskeeper, even if the only thing you both have in common is that you’re both alive and enjoy Ke$ha’s hit singles. He may have information to help you achieve your supernatural sexual conquest!
Step Three – Take An Interest In The Other Side
Just like human women, lady ghosts really appreciate it when potential lovers take an interest in their lives (or in this case, afterlives). It’s been documented that when a lady ghost continually observes a dude reading up on ghostly adventures, she becomes super horny and will fondle him like an old lady groping produce at the supermarket. If you play your cards right, this sensually spooky experience will happen to you, buddy. Now, because ghosts don’t say much, your initial reaction may be something like, “Gah! I’m not touching myself! But what is that pleasurable sensation?!” Once you come to your senses, you’ll recall that the lady you’ve been macking on is completely invisible. If you feel embarrassed by your outburst, you can politely say, “Oops. My bad, beautiful.” And then you can enjoy the disconnected touch of your supernatural shorty from beyond the grave.
Step Four – Seal The Deal
While being fondled by the supernatural when you least expect it is totally enjoyable, man up and make some sweet love to your elusive ghost lady. Ghostly fondle sessions can be up to five hours long and can occur during unexpected times – like when you’re folding your polo shirts, or while cranking thorough your weekly seven-ish sit-ups. Five hours of touching can be draining; at certain points, you might think, “Hey, I gotta brush my teeth today and tweet mean things to people I don’t know.” Instead of allowing yourself to become bored by your ghost’s sweet (yet slightly extreme) TLC, ask her if she thinks you’re cute, crack open some Bud Lights, and score. Intercourse with a ghost is not labor-intensive - in fact, because ghosts can’t be positioned, it requires little-to-no energy on your part. She will begin to get you sexually charged by moving her invisibly irresistible hands up and down your bod. Next, she’ll move onto your dude parts – um, literally. You’ll feel rushes of electric energy (similar to the ones you feel when you watch Kate Upton “Cat Daddy” in a bikini); you may even feel the sensation of ghost lover’s body parts. But you won’t know which body parts, exactly, because you’re having sex with a ghost and, as we’ve pointed out already, ghosts are invisible. When you two wild things are done being fresh, don’t worry about any awkward goodbyes or open-ended, “Let’s do brunch?” invitations. In the afterlife, ladies don’t have time for pillow talk, mainly because they don’t use pillows. Instead, she’ll vanish to enjoy things like walking through walls and scaring the shit out of tourists, leaving you free to scrub all that “ectoplasm” off your sheets. Happy Halloween!
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