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How To Impress A Sex Robot

You need to know which sweet nothings to whisper into her latex-coated aural receiving device.

 


Ethan Miller / Getty

 

Step 1: Be a Gentleman

Don't assume that your sex robot is going to sleep with you just because she's a sex robot and that's her primary function. You know what they say about assuming: It makes an ass out of you and your sex robot.

 

Step 2: Be Neat

A shower is the bare minimum. To the powerful eyes of a sex robot we basically look like porous, festering mounds, lousy with bacteria and dead skin cells. So, needless to say, grooming is key.

 

Step 3: Compliment Her

Despite possessing a barren internal landscape devoid of human emotion, she’ll still experience a flicker of pride when you tell her she's much prettier/lighter/more efficient than previous models.

 

Step 4: Get the Door

Sex robots are designed to grip and manipulate many things. But doors are not one of them.

 


Courtesy of Istockphoto

 

Step 5: Bring Her Flowers

Plastic ones, of course. To bring her a living plant would only highlight the fact that she herself will go on forever into cold eternity as long as her parts are still replaceable.

 

Step 6: Hold Her Hand

It might sound cheesy, but this shows that you don't just think of her as a lurid constellation of 0s and 1s, but as a real (albeit fake) person.

 

Step 7: Set the Mood

We all know sex robots can make noises but less well known is the fact that they also possess sensitive audio inputs. Get her motor humming with some sensual music, like Al Green or Kraftwerk.

 

Step 8: Use Pet Names

Fact: Most sex robots hate their model numbers. Show her you care with a pet name that acknowledges her basic inhumanity but still makes her feel special.  Something cute like “Sexbox 360” or “Honey Socket.”

 


Courtesy of Istockphoto

 

Step 9: Lube Up

Sex robots abhor excessive friction, so be prepared with a personal lubricant like KY Warming or Castrol Alpha SP, which is "formulated to provide all-around performance and good anti-scuff protection in enclosed gear drives."

 

Step 10: Have Fun

Remember: Have fun! You're about to fuck a robot.

 

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