Maxim has told you time and time again how to get a woman into your apartment. But what if you wanted to get a woman out of your apartment? We don’t know why you would – women smell nice - but surely some guy needs to at some point? For that guy, here are ten things you can own that should send most girls screaming out the door.
STAR WARS FOOTIE PAJAMAS
Jumpin Jammers, $65
Wearing pajamas isn’t the manliest thing in the world anyway, and having Star Wars spaceships plastered over them would probably be a deal breaker for most women. But Star Wars-themed, old-school, adult-sized pajamas with the feet still on them? Those ensure you’ll be sleeping alone.
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE II MOVIE POSTER
“Wow, so you like the Human Centipede movies a lot, huh? Enough to own a movie poster from it. And frame it and hang it on your wall. And not the regular one, but the special one with a giant centipede crawling over a lady’s vagina. Well, enjoy it, because mine is officially closed for the night.”
I HEART POOP BEAR
The “I Heart Poop” Bear proudly declares your love of stuffed animals and coprophilia. The chances of you finding a woman who approves of both is pretty much nil.
AREA 51 LOVE DOLL
You could probably get away with owning a traditional blow-up sex doll by saying your buddies got it for you as a birthday joke or something. But a purple-skinned alien sex doll with three tits? Even if you didn’t buy it yourself, you still have terrible friends.
Second Hand, $70
Fact: There is nothing in the world scarier than the dead eyes of this classic, cymbal-banging monkey toy. Women would be less freaked out if you had a lampshade made of human skin.
ALIEN ICE CUBE TRAYS
Admittedly, not many women would run away at the sight of an Alien-themed ice tray. But what if you don't show it to her? What if, as she's drinking the cocktail you made her, she slowly realizes that you've apparently been chilling her beverage with what looks for all the world like giant, incredibly detailed ice penises? Hint: That realization does not end with her staying in your apartment.
ANIME STATUES WITH REMOVABLE CLOTHES
It’s a pretty well-known rule that for every displayed set of boobs in your domicile — porn mags on the coffee table, naught schoolgirl posters on the walls, etc. — your chances of seeing real boobs decreases. Statues of naked anime girls — with their ludicrous proportions and/or propensity to look super underage — prove the rule. Since the naked kiddie-looking anime figures creep us out too much to show, here’s a healthy lass named Cattelya, Seriously.
A MAGGOT FARM
Build it yourself! Seriously. People build their own maggot farms. Farms which produce maggots. Apparently cows eat them, which is super fucking gross. Anyway, we doubt men who own maggot farms expect to bring ladies home for some lovin’, and you shouldn’t either.
STAR FLEET STAR TREK CREMATION CASKET
There are enough nerd girls out there nowadays that being a Trekkie is no longer 100% prohibitive of getting lucky. But a casket — one specifically ready to be burned — is another matter, because there’s no reason to own it that isn’t totally creepy. Especially if you aren’t intending on using it for yourself…
Seriously, if you want to make sure you never have a woman in your home for more than two minutes, leave a speculum on your coffee table. If the instant memories of her recent, uh "private exams" don’t cause her to run screaming out the door, the mystery of why you have one in your home will. And, if for some reason she doesn’t run, you should. That girl is nuts.
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