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How To Make A Manly Kitchen

 

As the old adage goes, if you can’t stand the heat, your kitchen is probably on fire. It’s just as well, because that grease-caked George Foreman grill and drawer full of KFC sporks aren’t doing you any favors. For men who aspire to be great chefs like Jacques Pepin, Thomas Keller, or Ettore Boyardee, it’s not about the years of culinary school and tireless nights behind a stove – it’s about the awesome gear you get to use! Here’s our list of cooking utensils so sexy, they’d make the late Julia Childs’s nipples hard. There goes our appetite.

 

1. Le Creuset Six Piece Set, $550

Hundreds of years of refined culinary technique have somehow allowed the French to convince girls their food is romantic. Today, take the power back with this six-piece set of enamel-coated cast iron cookware from Le Creuset (including a French oven, square skillet, roaster, and saucier). These stylish -- and very French sounding -- vessels will have you braising the shit out of a roast and totally getting silly on some cassoulet. Except when you explain to your date what you’re making, just say those words slower and with a sexy accent.
Buy on amazon.com

 

2. The “Ex” Knife Holder, $70

Finally a conversation piece that you can stab repeatedly. The durable ABS plastic knife holder shaped like a CSI victim comes with the essential cutlery (do you really need a boning knife? Heh, boning.) and uses magnetic slots to hold these blades in place. See, you can just slip them right out. And plunge them back in! And out. And plunge it back in! And now it’s probably time to call our therapist.
Buy on amazon.com

 

3. Bonjour Pro Torch, $40

You wouldn’t use a flame-thrower to toast a tiny crème brulee – you’d use it impress/terrify your friends. So when you have a dish that only requires a dash of pyrotechnics, bust out this mini hand torch. Unlike a few other models, there’s no extra propane tank required. Just fill it up with ordinary lighter butane and it will caramelize that sugar crust faster than you can say, “I wonder if this will melt a GI Joe."
Buy on amazon.com

 

4. Sous Vide Supreme, $449

If you’re the type of guy that has difficulty making grilled cheese, move along (why not check out Maxim’s exclusive photo shoot with former Nickelodeon star Amanda Bynes?) But, if you watch Top Chef religiously, have a knife and fork tattoo, or blow a load when the first morels of the season show up at the greenmarket, you need a sous vide machine. Vacuum-sealed meat, poultry and fish is cooked low and slow in a temperature controlled water bath. Great for maximizing subtle flavors. Poor for not getting called a pussy at BBQ competitions.
Buy on sousvidesupreme.com

 

5. DeLonghi Gran Dama Avant Super Automatic Espresso Machine, $999-$3,500

Yes, these Italian-crafted espresso machines can cost upwards of $3000, but think of it as an investment. You’ll get eight more usable hours in the day. (You’d probably just blow that money in a month on cocaine anyway.) And any argument can be settled by blurting out, “I own a $3000 coffee machine!” This particular model happens to be DeLonghi’s top of the line, with a digital readout that lets you select size, strength, and type of beverage, but there are more affordable versions. The only instructions on this automatic marvel are press the button, wait for the beans to be ground for the freshest flavor, and tap your foot impatiently while checking your watch.
Buy on amazon.com

 

6. Bugatti Vela 3-Speed Blender, $250

This isn’t the same Bugatti as the Italian car manufacturer – which is sad. Who wouldn’t want to see a blender with a 1001 HP engine? You could make a diamond smoothie with those kind of horsies. But don’t fret, this Bugatti is no slouch in the power department … for a blender. The 400-watt motor with a three-speed setting will do the bulk of your crushing, grinding, and spewing -- and it inherited the namesake’s good looks. Now go have yourself a refreshing granita.
Buy on amazon.com

 

7. Talking Wireless Meat Thermometer

Use the same technology that Navy S.E.A.L.s use to check on the temperature of their steaks. This remote grill thermometer can clip right on to your belt, which means that during the next cookout you can set it and forget it. Go ahead and seriously hurt yourself at touch football. Have that seventh beer. Or just pass out in the kiddie pool – the thermometer will tell you when your meat gets to the correct doneness.
Buy on amazon.com

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8. Butterball Turkey Fryer, $119

Every Thanksgiving you hear about that one asshole who burned his family alive and took down half the block, all because he wanted some extra crispy turkey skin. Don’t be that man – fry a bird up to 14-pounds the (relatively) safe way with this patented Butterball fryer. Hey, the label on your turkey says Butterball and this appliance says Butterball – let’s follow this logic train to Succulent Town.
Buy on amazon.com

 

9. Laguiole Champagne Sabre, $420

There are only three times it’s appropriate for a man to carry a sword in modern times: 1) You’re a historical reenactor portraying Ulysses S. Grant, 2) You live in the bad part of  Queens (and nobody screws with a guy with swords duct taped to his belt), and 3) you want to add some flair to a champagne celebration. Note: these rules also work if you’re having a champagne celebration in a bad neighborhood.
Buy on laguiole.com

 

10. Vipp Trash Can, $349

If the truest mark of a gentleman is how he treats his trash, put on your tux, because we’re going to the fucking opera! Since 1939, Danish designers at Vipp have created home accessories that turn their nose up at anything you’d find in Bed, Bath and Beyond. This little number has just what we want in a trashcan: smooth lid action, customized liners, and shiny, shiny chrome.
Buy on vipp.com

 

11. DeLonghi Retro Panini Grill, $57.50

Sandwiches are about ¾ of the male diet, and if Quiznos has taught us nothing, it’s that toasting makes sandwiches better. Between your conventional oven and this panini press, there’s no need to keep that bastard child of appliances, the toaster oven. The DeLonghi has the two more important elements of any good sandwich maker: adjustable heat and a hinged plate to accommodate a sizeable Dagwood.
Buy on amazon.com

 

12. Slap Chop, $17

We won’t repeat the commercial for you, everyone has seen it. But, if your life is so boring that the simple act of chopping vegetables is going to change your entire worldview, perhaps its time to join Billy Mays in that great infomercial in the sky. Whether or not the Slap Chop actually makes dessert topping for half the price or serves up a delicious tuna salad in seconds is irrelevant. Vince is just a damn good salesman. Now excuse us while we act now and get a second Graty, free.
Buy on amazon.com

 

13. Caveman Kitchen Tool, $40

Back in the days of the caveman, the club was about the most useful thing out there. It was a weapon, a tool, a marital aid, and a utensil. The world’s first chefs used this simple device to bash in the brains of tiny animals and tenderize the meat. This modern update made from sandstone does so much more: it grates, grinds, pulverizes, and yes, it can still be used to a bit of bashing. Modern society scares and confuses us!
Buy on thinkgeek.com

 

14. Space Invaders Cutting Board, $129

Remember that classic arcade game Space Invaders? Of course you don’t – you’re twentysomething-years-old and can’t take a dump without tweeting about it. But back when video arcades existed, top score on this machine was about the coolest thing you could achieve. Embrace that nostalgia and throw down your credit card for this walnut and hard maple cutting board. Then spend your evenings alternately chopping and shaking your head about how old you feel.
Buy on thinkgeek.com