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Nine Things Every Best Man Must Carry

Someone has to be the grown-up at the party. (Sorry.) If you’re the best man, that would be you. Here are the essential things you need to have on hand at all times. Some groomsman one day will thank you.

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1) List of attendees and phone numbers
Sounds stupid. Totally necessary. First thing to know is: How many people total in this party anyway? Yes, this is like 3rd grade when you had to hold hands with a partner. Someone has to make sure we haven’t left a man in the bathroom…or on the floor somewhere. This checklist lets you take a visual snapshot before you leave one place and more on to the next. And it allows you to call the missing person—or at least text him to tell him that the gang’s leaving. Now.

2) Fully charged cell phone
You can’t reach the fellas if you’re phone’s dead. You also can’t call for a cab, check the map app you love, or read this checklist (if you opt to keep it as a digital note).

3) Map and info for all venues
“Ok, let’s go! Where? Oh crap. I forget the name of the place. I don’t know the exact address. I thought you had the info.” Don’t let this happen to you. Print the shit out and keep it folded up in your pocket. Make copies and distribute to everyone in the party so they don’t get lost, either. If one guy gets lucky and has to meet up with you later at the bar, at least he knows what bar and where it is.

4) Taxi numbers
Even if you have a hired car for the night, it’s smart to have cab numbers at the ready. Someone passes out and you don’t want to have to drive ’em home in the stretch limo. Drop them in a taxi and keep the show on the road. You’ll need more than one cab company because dispatchers are often jammed up—and rude. Try to refrain from mentioning that you have a vomiting bachelor party dork who needs to get home before he pisses his pants.

5) Aspirin
Doesn’t just help the headache; it thins the blood. Ideal to have on hand in the event that, um, overstimulation triggers a heart attack. Distribute at end of night to all surviving groomsmen—like candy.

6) Mints
Trust us: Your breath is bad. Strippers will get closer to you if you don’t smell like a walking gastrointestinal burp bomb. The sugar high from the mints can give you a boost too—especially if you down a whole box of Tic-Tacs in one gulp.

7) Extra cash in singles
First, you’ll feel like the mac daddy carrying around a giant wad of bills. Second, you need to tip everyone from the bartender to the coat check girl to the bouncer. And third, what else are you gonna stuff inside a dancing girl’s panties?

8) Credit cards
Oh, the limo driver needs a credit card deposit? Good thing you have a card. The fellas ran out of cash? Good thing you have a card. Need to buy a late-night meal for 10 hungry men? Don’t pay the waitress in crumpled dollar bills. Use the card.

9) Props as needed: Cigars, cigar cutter, condoms, bottle opener
You’ve got the girls, the room, the cash, the booze. Boy would it suck if you couldn’t do anything with any of them. Carry a briefcase or knapsack or messenger bag for props like these—and maybe a spare pair of underwear for the lucky groom.

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