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Ray William Johnson Teaches You How To Not Become A Viral Video Star

Ray William Johnson is the most successful YouTube star of all time. His show Equals 3, where he provides commentary for viral videos, averages six million views per an episode- that's larger than Letterman and Leno combined! So when he tells you how to avoid becoming the latest idiot on the Internet, you listen, because despite his crazy hair, this guy knows what he's talking about. 

Never perform your own stunts!

There are already professionals paid to do these things. You are not Jackie Chan and do not need to set yourself on fire and/or jump off your parents rooftop in order to prove your manhood. Knock it off! You are just going to get hurt and your "friend" is going to upload it to YouTube much to your public embarrassment. 

 

Never angrily rant into your web cam.

While smashing a keyboard in half over a game of World of Warcraft may seem totally justified in your head, to the rest of the known universe you look like a raging psychopath. I also understand that George Lucas's latest re-mastering of Star Wars pissed you off, but these issues are better resolved with your therapist.  As a general rule, if you are prone to melodramatic meltdowns, please avoid purchasing a webcam for any reason.  Addendum: This rule also applies to dancing.

 

Never skateboard near someone holding a video camera. 

If there is any doubt about this rule, please refer to rule number one.

 

Never ever be a cute puppy, kitten, or baby.

If you just so happen to be an adorable puppy, kitten, or baby -run! Run far far away from obnoxious grandmothers/ over-zealous pet owners/ crazy cat ladies or whomever the hell is following you around with a video camera and trying to capitalize on your cuteness. Walk (or crawl) to your nearest bus station and flee to a 3rd world country where the people are simple and don't have reliable access to the Internet. Trust me; you don't want to be known as "that baby who could dance like a stripper" for the rest of your life.

 

Never attempt to sleep your way to the top!

There are industries in which you could sleep your way to the top; the Internet is not one of them! If a sleazy guy with a ponytail and gold chain approaches you to tell you he can make you a viral video star in exchange for sex, he probably can - on YouPorn! Avoid these predators at all costs. A good rule of thumb is: if he looks like your local meth dealer, it's probably best to avoid playing "tickle the pickle" with him.