Pam & Tommy vs. Paris & That Guy
The Lees' not–so–private parts gave millions inferiority complexes, while our favorite heirhead "unintentionally" made best–selling adult vid of all time.
Winner: Tommy and Pam. Answering the phone during sex, Paris? Show a man some respect!

Blondes vs. Brunettes
Goldilocks lets you wonder whether the carpet matches the curtains, whilst dark–haired girls are more vigilant about hair removal.
Winner: Brunettes. So overlooked they're grateful for any attention.

Stalin vs. Hitler
The "man of steel" liquidated 20 million Russians through starvation and slightly kinder shots to the head, while der Führer's assault on humanity actually led to the coining of the term genocide.
Winner: Hitler. He even gives Satan the douche chills.

Iraq vs. Australia
What's the bigger shithole: a land of explosions, crumbling infrastructure, and miles of sand, or a nation of hyperjolly nitwits hiding deep insecurities?
Winner: Australia. Ever spoken to an Aushole?

Bruce Lee vs. Jackie Chan
The Master could land eight punches in a second. But Chan has a plastic plug in his head filling a hole left by a fall.
Winner: Lee. Kick fast, die young.