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It was really nice to see everybody and all; now it’s time to get those freeloaders back on the road.

Once your relatives have handed over your gifts, there’s no real point in them sticking around. But stay they do, until the tree’s a tinderbox of crispy needles and the coal in your stocking is well on its way to becoming a diamond. Here’s how to ensure that your guests trundle back to their so-called lives in a timely fashion.

Step One: Make using the bathroom problematic, suggests Janelle Othersen, owner of a bed-and-breakfast in Charleston, South Carolina. Take long showers, tell your guests that the available soaps are just for show, and never wash the one skanky bean-dip-encrusted towel you gave them when they arrived. “By the third day or so, that towel will be sending distinct messages that it’s time to move on,” says Othersen ominously. If that doesn’t do the trick…

Step Two: Put ’em to work. Talk exuberantly about a big, boring project you’ve got planned for the next day: cleaning the garage, painting the basement, fixing the car—and make it clear you’d appreciate some help. Any leisure-disposed guests in their right minds will edge out of there right quick to save their delicate asses from your chain gang. If that doesn’t work…

Step Three: Stage a fight with your girlfriend. Not an ugly, screaming, crockery-depleting brawl. Those deathly quiet arguments in which the two of you stare daggers at each other and pretend everything’s OK make things much more awkward. If your dopey guests don’t take the hint and skedaddle, have your gal exit the room so you can say discreetly, “Do you guys mind leaving so we can talk things out?” You should be able to color them gone. Otherwise…

Step Four: Try the old “cat trick.” This manuever works best when they’re sound asleep—say, at about 2 a.m. the night after they should have left. First, secure a bobcat or an ocelot. Next, holding the cat safely by the nape of its neck, strike it repeatedly with a wire whisk until it’s in a yowling, spitting frenzy. (Watch those claws!) Then toss it into the guest room and lock the door. At breakfast the next morning, pretend not to know what the hell they’re talking about. If that doesn’t work…

Step Five: Make a big pee stain on the front of your pajamas, ruffle up all the hair on your head, then kick open the door to their room. Pointing your index finger at them and cocking your thumb, force them into their car “at gunpoint.” Later, when they’re back in their godforsaken home states, call to apologize and claim you’re going to be seeking unspecified “treatment.”