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OK, so Thanksgiving has been flushed out of your system faster than grandma’s roasted prune and tobacco pudding. It’s time for network TV to open the Christmas floodgates and wish you a holly, jolly holiday until you’re bleeding from the ears. From annoying toy commercials to the same Christmas specials they’ve been airing since Jesus got his first Pokemon card, there’s no end to the faintly satanic corporate cheerfulness. Our remedy? Get drunk (of course, that’s pretty much our answer for everything). Here’s how:

The Rules

Print out this page and chill a generous reserve of beer, eggnog, paint thinner…whatever. (OK, maybe not the last one.) Settle into your favorite chair, pull out those reindeer socks you wear only once a year, duct tape the remote to your left hand, and start flipping.

Take One Drink When:

You see a network celeb (Regis, Drew Carey, anyone from Ally McBeal) sporting a Santa hat in a lame attempt to promote their Christmas special.

A liquor ad containing reindeer, Santa Clauses, or “sexy” Ms. Clauses comes on.

You tune in to It’s A Wonderful Life during the same scene you tune in to every damn year. (“Merry Christmas movie house!”)

You hear any part of a Burl Ives song. (You’ll know him when you hear him.)

A Charlie Brown Christmas is on. (Take an extra drink if someone in the room mentions that Chuck Schultz is dead.)

A musician’s holiday album is advertised. (The more obscure the musician, the more you drink: If it’s *NSYNC, one drink. Zamfir and his Holiday Pan Flute, three drinks.)

Someone makes a reference to “Baby Jesus.”

You see any incarnation of A Christmas Carol. (Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooged, An XXX-mas Named Carol…)

Take Two Drinks When:

A sportscaster uses some holiday-related phrases in his critique (i.e., “What do the ’Skins want from Santa this year? A win!”).

You tune in to A Christmas Story during the “Scott Farcus affair.”

A network crams a menorah into an otherwise Christmas-heavy ad in order to appease Jewish viewers.

A network holds a “Christmas Movie Marathon” that includes at least one of the following: Jingle All the Way, Jack Frost (the killer snowman movie, not the god-awful Michael Keaton snowman dad movie), or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

David Bowie and Bing Crosby are singing “Little Drummer Boy.”

You see Kathy Lee Gifford’s annoying mug anywhere.

Do A Shot When:

Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey is on.

You see a Kwanza special.

You catch the phrase, “But I want to be a dentist!” (Hint: Hermey)

Comedy Central airs the infamous South Park “Spirit of Christmas” episode and edits it all to hell.

The Sci-Fi Channel shows Santa Claus vs. The Martians.

You hear that Band-Aid Christmas song (“Do they know it’s Christmas time/Feed the Wo-o-o-rld/Let them know it’s Christmas time…”)

Start Making Festive Toaster Cozies When:

Martha Stewart suddenly has influence over your few remaining brain cells.