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There are some people who claim we’ve forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. While that may be the case for those stinkin’ Commies, there are still plenty of folks who know what’s really important about the holiday: making your homestead as gaudy as possible. So we here at Maxim proudly present these suggestions for creating a stunning multimedia celebration of what’s-his-name’s birthday.

1. Many roofs have stupid sleighs hitched to crappy plastic reindeer. Instead, use real reindeer—just remember to staple their hooves to the shingles so the smelly bastards can’t fly away.

2. Aww, are the caroler-slaves cold? Well, nothing warms you up like a little singing.

3. Scare off punk kids with Frosty the Abominable Snowman.

4. Building a Nativity scene? Who better to play Baby Jesus than an actual baby! And don’t forget the three wise guys, bearing gifts of hot TVs, cigarettes, and myrrh.

5. Say a hearty “Merry Christmas!” with Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.

6. Aww, are the elf-slaves cold? Well, nothing warms you up like a little toymaking.

7. Take a dip in your very own Egg Bog!

8. How the hell were we supposed to know Santa’s suit isn’t fireproof?

9. Your decorating gives people so much joy. So demand it back, in the form of cash.

10. Why make a wreath out of boring old pine branches when you can make it out of super-fun cannabis leaves? Smokin’!

11. A house made entirely of gingerbread would be preposterous. So nail up gingerbread men—live ones, if possible.

12. There’s no reason to have reservations about using real Indians to decorate for Thanksgiving—unless they teepee your house—but make sure they sober up and hit the road before Christmas.

13. Discourage hoodlums from vandalizing your tree by using razor wire garland and grenade ornaments. For added menace, top it off with a great big Star Jones.

14. Oh, dear—another Christmas fruitcake! No mouthfuls for us, Mr. Simmons.