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1. GO ON THE OFFENSIVE
Why not repay Santa for the presents he’s brought you over the years—thanks for all that coal, fat-ass—by sending him a little something. We recommend combing the black market for an FIM-92A Stinger missile, which boasts a top speed in excess of Mach 1 and a “fire and forget” infrared guidance system. It can take out an Apache helicopter, so just imagine what it’ll do to an old man in a toy-laden sleigh hitched to a herd of flying Norwegian cows. The Stinger will set you back a cool $6 million—but you can always ask for one for Christmas.


2. SET A PERIMETER
Since Santa flies over the Middle East, North Korea, and Detroit every year, there’s a chance he knows a thing or two about evading hostile fire. If ol’ St. Nick manages to land on your roof, greet him by siccing a ravenous Kodiak bear on his precious reindeer. If the neighbors complain, take the subtle approach by turning your pretty Christmas lights into deadly weapons. Simply strip the insulation off the wires and lay them in a crisscross grid across your roof. Sit back, enjoy some delicious eggnog, and listen for the girlish shrieking of frightened elves.


3. PROHIBIT ENTRY
Ask any prison inmate: The only thing worse than a cockney chimney sweep poking your smokestack is a bearded fat man sliding down it. Weld Plexiglas to the bottom of your chimney—Santa won’t see it till it’s too late—then dump a bucket of deer ticks on the broken-legged intruder. (Magic is no match for the horror of Lyme disease.) For faster results, pour a gallon of gasoline, a box of soap flakes, and a lit cigar down the chimney to make a homemade explosive. You’ll love the smell of napalm on Christmas morning.

4. FIGHT DIRTY
Any security expert will tell you that allowing a flaming, tick-covered mythological porker inside your home is just asking for trouble. So instead of confronting him, set traps. Lace your homemade chocolate chip cookies with cyanide; he’ll think the poison’s almondlike smell simply means you supershizzled Granny’s recipe with nuts. For added insurance, wrap a land mine and lay it under the tree; it’ll explode when Santa delivers his lousy gifts. Good luck scrubbing bloody polyester off the walls—and Merry Christmas!