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Once a year you have the opportunity to stuff your face, get smashed on eggnog, offend your coworkers, blow your chances with the hotties in marketing, grope your boss’ wife, and turn your once-promising career into a parched ol’ slice of fruitcake—all to the tune of “Jingle Bell Rock!” That is, unless you follow these six merry Maxim tips, guaranteed to make you the wise man of the office. Happy holidays!

1. Charm Your Coworkers
Find out what the prepaid drink tickets look like and spring for a few rolls. Casually hand them out to the asswipe drones in accounting. You’ll be able to expense motel receipts with impunity. And remember, female interns like liquor, too.

2. Stay Sober
Use your tickets to get endless strong shots for the gang. While they gag on Prairie Fires, tip the bartender so he makes every other one of yours a shot of water. “Filling your stomach with water and diluting the alcohol will help the next day,” says Marvin Salin, Ph.D., an alcohol metabolism expert with the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Damn drunks—they should all be fired.

3. Impress Your Boss
“Do a bit of research on the guy beforehand,” suggests Terri Mandell, author of Power Schmoozing: The New Etiquette for Social and Business Success. Snoop through his office for clues about his hobbies, such as, say, mountain climbing. During the party, let a Photoshopped picture of you atop Mount Kilimanjaro drop from your wallet. Regale him with a cleverly contrived expedition story, then ask him how he climbed to the top of the corporate ladder. Mission Become the Favorite Son: Accomplished!

4. Wow the Ladies
Slow-dance with the overweight yapper from purchasing. When word spreads of what a thoughtful, charming guy you are, the gates to the rest of the herd will be flung wide open. Choose the gal with the best combo of looks, availability, and not-your-direct-subordinate-or-superior-ness, and go for the kill.

5. Undermine the Yes-Man
Every office has a kiss-ass golden boy—and his cell phone ring tone is usually some obnoxious Maroon 5 noise. So when he’s not paying attention, steal his phone, max out the volume, and stash it somewhere out of sight. During the head honcho’s big toast, call it over and over while the sap scrambles around nervously, whispering, “Sorry.”

6. Score a Free Meal
Line your pockets with plastic food storage bags. At the buffet, help yourself to extra fillets, drumsticks, and pasta for tomorrow’s lunch. Just be discreet, lest you be mistaken for a freeloading douchebag!