Mike from Monsters, Inc.
Why he sucks: Everything with the voice of Billy Crystal sucks, especially Billy Crystal.

How to beat his ass: This thing is like 60 percent eyeball, so a simple Three Stooges–style poke would probably do the trick. But if that big John Goodman monster is hanging around with him, you might want to consider some pepper spray. That big blue bastard will tear you up like a turkey leg at the real John Goodman's house.

Frankenberry and Count Chocula
Why they suck: Despite what that weird goth kid at your school will tell you, vampires are more silly than they are scary, especially when they crave chocolate like a pregnant woman with a sweet tooth. And don't even get us started on that big pink joke they call Frankenberry.

How to beat their asses:
Count Chocula can be defeated by most of the traditional methods we all learned watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and if Frankenberry is anything like his green cousin, Frankenstein, it only takes a few camera flashes to take him down. But the real secret is to just bring a bowl of milk. Those guys sit in milk for more than two minutes and they'll be a soggy mess that clogs up the sink when you try to get rid of them.

Cookie Monster
Why he sucks: You would think he could share some of those cookies he's always slamming down his throat-less neck with Oscar, who has to sit in his can and eat garbage. Who wouldn't like to take a shot at this greedy blue bastard?

How to beat his ass: During the research for this article, Wikipedia taught us that the C-man wasn't a real monster, but a puppet of some kind. Thus, the best strategy is the one that works best on all kinds of puppets: Flamethrower. You could also just kick the crap out of him, since his arms and legs are useless and he has no visible fangs.

The Monster.com monster
Why it sucks: Just when you thought getting fired was the lowest point in your life, you have to go to Monster.com to look for work and be greeted by some green guy with a horn for a nose and huge orange feet. That's not the kind of thing you need in between reruns of Home Improvement and bowls of Ramen.

How to kick his ass: Don't get fired from your job; and if you do, just head over to Craigslist.com. There you can find a job and a person willing to pay you $30 if you let them lick your nostrils. If you deprive him of the résumés he so badly craves, he'll eventually starve and fade into the dot-com graveyard.