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How much does going home for the holidays suck? Well, it’s kind of like getting your teeth cleaned: Your dentist (family) sends you a card (six voice mails) saying how much they “miss you” and it’s time for your yearly checkup (holiday visit). I walk in smiling, thinking it’s going to be quick and easy. When I stumble out, nauseous and hurting, all I can think about is getting to my car before my dentist (mother) realizes I have no health insurance. To numb the pain away, try these tips.

Don’t try to fix a lifetime of bad relationships in a week.
The people who made you miserable when you were young will still make you miserable. In fact, they’ve mastered their craft. When you were a kid, your parents said your family was normal. “Son, everyone has a cousin who starts fires or an uncle who likes to hug too long.” Well, your parents lied. These people are crazy and you should be mad. So why didn’t you run away from home when you still lived there?

Don’t be with your family all the time.
This is important, because during the holidays you’re on Old People Time. You’re up at 6 a.m., and the next thing you know you’re heading to Costco to buy a 200-pound container of cat food. And you don’t have a cat.

Seek out the one person you can tolerate—an old cousin, a drunk uncle, the dog—and make them your ally.
Hide behind the person whose life is more fucked up than yours. It’s like a twisted game of rock, paper, scissors to deflect your family’s scrutiny. In this case, a crack problem beats an alcohol problem beats an art history major.

Check with family members before you buy any gifts so it’s clear you’ve made an effort.
I only have one word of advice here: CASH. A $50 bill fits everybody, and it’s a hell of a lot safer than some toy made in China. God Bless America.