6 P.M.–7 P.M.: Kiefer reports to Glendale City Jail. Orange jumpsuit could use some tailoring, but there isn't any time!!!

7 P.M.–8 P.M.: Kiefer signs up for kitchen and laundry duty. Director Rae Rae already reprimands Kiefer for his aggressiveness with the washer, to which he replies, "I'm doing my job!"

8 P.M.–9 P.M.: Dinner. The Chilean sea bass is a revelation.

9 P.M.–10 P.M.: Gang raped.

10 P.M.–11 P.M.: Kiefer visits infirmary for treatment. Raped while waiting.

11 P.M.–12 A.M.: Raped by doctor.

12 A.M.–1 A.M.: Kiefer converts to Islam.

1 A.M.–2 A.M.: Kiefer goes to sleep.

2 A.M.–3 A.M.: Cell mate Francis unleashes the virus...all over Kiefer's face.

3 A.M.–4 A.M.: Kiefer finds Jesus.

4 A.M.–5 A.M.: Unable to sleep, Kiefer fashions a cell phone out of a bar of soap, muttering to no one in particular, "Hundreds of thousands of people will die!"

5 A.M.–6 A.M.: Kiefer catches Francis "roughing up the suspect" again, can't wait for 7 A.M. kitchen duty.

6 A.M.–7 A.M.: Doors open. Kiefer locks his gaze on Francis' heroin stash as a pointless cliff-hanger before the next hour.

7 A.M.–8 A.M.: The heroin thing is glossed over in favor of breakfast. Kiefer's eggs Florentine look a lot like baby crap, winning the acclaim of other inmates.

8 A.M.–9 A.M.: Kiefer hits the yard, spies Francis trying to "extract information" from another inmate behind a waist-high pile of garbage.

9 A.M.–10 A.M.: Guards rush to notify Kiefer that the president needs to speak with him urgently. When he asks, "Really?" the guards reply, "No. Not really."

10 A.M.–11 A.M.: Kiefer tries to join Aryan Brotherhood, but is shunned for taking orders from a black TV president.

11 A.M.–12 P.M.: Kiefer is sold to the Triads for three cartons of Salems and an Adebisi hat.

12 P.M.–1 P.M.: Kiefer begins work tunneling his way out through a wall behind Rita Hayworth poster.

1 P.M.–2 P.M.: Lunch with that guy from Prison Break.

2 P.M.–3 P.M.: Kiefer contemplates the moral implications of masturbating to thoughts of his on-screen daughter, Elisha Cuthbert.

3 P.M.–4 P.M.: Kiefer masturbates to thoughts of his on-screen daughter, Elisha Cuthbert.

4 P.M.–5 P.M.: Kiefer gets drunk off toilet wine.

5 P.M.–6 P.M.: Due to writers' strike, Kiefer is replaced with reruns of Don't Forget the Lyrics.