A recent lawsuit filed by a Texas woman against American Airlines claims she awoke during a recent flight to discover the previously unoccupied seat next to her now decidedly occupied by a man who "masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair." While the airline has yet to comment, it did evidently let him finish. The man was arrested by airport police upon landing, but if evacuating your tiny passengers isn't enough to warrant disciplinary action from the airline, what is? (Hint: It's the stuff you're about to read.)


DRESSING LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL
Southwest Airlines says it has no formal dress code, but any gate-level employee ashamed of his erection can still force you off a plane for indecency. Kyla Ebbert was only showcasing her thighs and breasts in the same spare top and miniskirt you could find in any Abercrombie & Fitch children's section when an employee identified as "Keith" demanded she change or deplane. We saw Today Show video of her outfit and don't see the problem. (Especially when she sits down.)

BREAST FEEDING
If women can't wear short skirts on a plane without getting hassled, there's little chance overeager flight attendants are going to be understanding when a mom flops out her boob at feeding time. One mother was removed from a plane in November 2006 because the flight crew couldn't handle the fact that the only thing standing between a bare nipple and a plane full of passengers was a finicky 22-month-old. When we start our own airline, nipples will be mandatory.


USING YOUR iPHONE…EVEN IN AIRPLANE MODE
If you're flying ATA Airlines—though you probably aren't since we've never heard of it—you'll probably want to leave your iPhone at home, unless you don't mind getting arrested for watching a crappy movie on it mid-flight. It happened to some guy in Hawaii when the stewardess told him that putting his device in airplane mode wasn't enough because the plane wasn't properly shielded. Then she went in the back and shoveled some more coal into the jet's engine.

LOOKING LIKE YOU MIGHT IN SOME WAY BE FROM SOMEWHERE THAT COULD BE NEAR THE MIDDLE EAST
Whether you're Egyptian, really tan, or just think burkas are comfy travel wear, be prepared to spend a lot of time getting hassled by airline employees before you get to your seat to enjoy your mini pretzels. Oh, and if you actually are from the Middle East, then you're probably better off just taking the bus.

BEING FAT
Now not even the most patriotic of qualities, morbid obesity, can score you points with the Drink Cart Gestapo. A lovably ample Texas man was reduced to buttery tears when Southwest, America's most newsworthy airline, pulled him out of line before dozens of more attractive passengers, and told him he would have to purchase a second ticket for the other 215-pound half of his body. At least now he can masturbate in privacy.

BRINGING A BRATTY KID WITH YOU
Any hack stand-up comedian will tell you that a noisy kid is enough to drive an entire plane full of people completely out of their minds. Apparently flight attendants on Continental ExpressJet flights are sick of bratty noise machines getting off easy and started kicking them out on their diaper-clad asses last year. So if you're a parent, bring a pacifier or a tranquilizer dart unless you don't mind spending your vacation looking for another flight to Orlando.

WEARING ANY GARMENT FROM SPENCER'S
If your name is Big Johnson, your T-shirt can now put you in league with the terrorists. Southwest, whose moral compass has now been integrated into all cockpit instrumentation, threw a guy off a flight to Florida—the Washington, D.C., of cheesy T-shirts—for wearing a "Master Baiter" fishing tee. The Coed Naked Legal Team has filed a formal complaint on his behalf.