Things are going pretty well, you say? You’ve got a good job, a nice place to live, and a sweet girl to hold hands with at the movies? Well, take that self-satisfied smirk and shove it, chief, because it can all be so much better! It’s time to stop treading mediocre waters. You should be pulling serious bank at your dream job, hanging your hat in an amazing pad, and sucking face with a smokin'-hot woman every night of your life. That’s right, today is the day to trade up and step up every aspect of your existence. So put on your big-boy pants, wave goodbye to your lame little world, and get ready to rock.

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Money
Add a few zeroes to your bank account.

1. Bust out of your cubicle
MySpace cofounder and friend-to-us-all Tom Anderson explains how to go from corporate drone to millionaire maverick.

Ignore your paycheck for now: “I’m not the sort of person who can last very long doing something I don’t want to do,” says Tom. “So instead of thinking, I need a job, I need to make money, I thought, What do I really enjoy doing?” “Do what you love” might sound like stale advice from your hippy-dippy uncle, but consider that Tom and co. made a killing when News Corp. bought MySpace for $580 million back in 2005. With scratch like that, no wonder the guy has 223,604,106 friends and counting.

Ignore your job description: “When I had an office job, I stood out because I was so green,” says Tom. “I didn’t know what was appropriate, so I would do things that probably weren’t acceptable behavior. It definitely got me noticed.” Just don’t go nuts. Ask your HR director if it’s acceptable to defecate on someone else’s proposal before you do it in a meeting.

Don’t ignore your enemies: “It’s good to look at your competitors and see what they do well and what they don’t do well,” advises Tom. But just because you vanquish one foe doesn’t mean you can put your feet up and order a daiquiri. “For a long time people were saying, ‘You’re so dominant; nothing is going to touch you,’ but these days we have different competitors all over the world. Never underestimate your competition. ” Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go update our Facebook profile.


2. Be a term-inator
Biz-speak to make you seem savvy

Meatball sundae — The mixing together of two excellent business ideas with predictably disastrous results.

Blamestorming — Business meetings that devolve into finding fault for why projects have gone wrong, rather than looking for successful results. This is also known as a postmortem.

Petting the eagle — Using American-based imagery to get consumers to purchase your product.

Skintern — Female intern who quickly decides to don provocative clothing to alter the competitive balance of the intern pool. Also known as the next Mrs. fill-in-your-boss’ name.


3. Nab an odd job
Four ways to kick flourescent-lit office life to the curb

The job: Millionaire concierge
The specs: Rich dudes pay through their coke-lined noses to have golf outings, all-star weekends, or, weirdly, trips with their families set up for them. Begin life as a cyber peon at concierge-in-a-box.com.
Payday: Up to $100 an hour

The Job: Sleep consultant
The Specs: Corporations hire experts to teach freaked out/suicidal execs how to take a snooze without the aid of Ambien or a happy ending. Take a course in polysomnography to become an accredited snore.
Payday: $1,200 a day

The Job: Domain namer
The Specs:These days good Web domain names are rarer than a Celine Dion track that doesn’t reduce us to tears. Thus, companies like PickyDomains charge poorly named sites for better, less-shitty URLs.
Payday: $50 per name

The Job: Professional guinea pig
The Specs: Like taking drugs? Pharmaceutical companies are always looking for people to try their next pill. Check gpgp.net (“guinea pigs get paid”) to find lucrative ways in which to grow a third eyeball.
Payday: Up to $300 a day, depending on the drug trial


4. Buy a fancy toy
A gold slinky screams, "I'm wealthy!" The vendors of this 14K-gold-plated Slinky ($90, officeplayground.com) invite captains of industry to “move the Slinky back and forth between your hands while you contemplate a big business decision, talk to a coworker, or sit in a meeting.” Doing any of these things will either have people believing you are deranged or stupid, and no one will want you on their team. Way to go! Take a long lunch, pal!

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