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Travel
Go forth and go nuts

1. Have recession-proof fun
Tim Leffel, author of The World’s Cheapest Destinations, tells you how to go posh when your salary is piss.

Czech Republic
You don’t get the same bang for your buck in Prague as you used to, but you can still get pretty buzzed for it. Beer is a buck, and a snazzy lunch runs about $5. You can also kick it in wine country and stay at one of the hotels of Moravia. Just don’t follow any hot Czech chicks to a remote hostel. Trust us.

Argentina
Journey to Buenos Aires, where the wine flows like, well, wine and a great steak dinner will set you back a whopping $15. Rest cheap and easy, as hotels cost only about $25 to $35 a day. You can ski in the Andes for half of what you’d spend in the Rockies—an all-day lift is $25 to $30. And if you get trapped in the Andes, you can eat your fellow soccer team players for free!

Honduras
The island of Utila is a budget scuba diver’s paradise, and one of the cheapest places in the world to get an open water PADI certification: $225, compared to $500 in the U.S. Throw in high-end hotel rooms for under $40, full meals that seldom top $20, and $1 beers in bars, and you’re living like a deep-sea gangster for well under $200 a day. Plus, wet suits are very slimming.

Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia
Welcome to Southeast Asia’s Golden Triangle of cheap thrills! In Vietnam the beach at Nha Trang is where you want to be. Have a $2 lobster cooked beside you and a coconut-oil massage for $10. Got higher aspirations? In Cambodia and Laos, $20 will buy you enough ganja to forget all the breathtaking sites you’ve seen thus far.


2. Supersize your trip
Upgrade tricks for sneaky travelers

Car Rental
Reserve a smoking-permitted car. When you arrive, say they screwed up. If they don’t have any nonsmoking rides in your class, you win. “If they’ve made a mistake, they’re obliged to give you one from a better class or get you a car from another company,” says Erik Torkells, editor-in-chief of Budget Travel. “If they try to make you pay any extra fee, talk to a manager.”

Hotel
Most hotel guests check in before 2 p.m., while business travelers tend to arrive from 5 p.m. onward. If you check in between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m., reception will have a good idea about how many exec rooms will be open to negotiation. “It’s all about being there at the right time,” says Tiffany Hawk, contributing editor for the travel Web site globorati.com. Arrive late!

Airline Seats
American Airlines 767-300: Row 21 A, B, H, or J is your promised land of exit row leg room.
Delta Airlines MD-88: Rows 26–31 on the D-E side of the plane have about two extra inches. Twenty-six is an exit row and most desirable.
Jet Blue A320: Warning! Seats 9A, 9F, 10A, and 10F do not recline because of the emergency exit behind them. Enjoy your blue chips!


3. Find the perfect watering hole
No trip is complete without alcohol-induced public nudity. Here are the top spots to fuel your excess quest.

Genre: Island
Bar: Jimbo's Place
Location: Virginia Key, Biscayne Bay, Miami
Why drink here: This shack stands (barely) beside a la­goon surrounded by palm trees. Hop into a game of bocce with the assorted hippies, hipsters, and bikers who call this their local. Then wash vigorously.

Genre: Ski trip
Bar: Skibar Vail
Location: Vail, Colorado
Why drink here: Soak your liver silly on such elegant beverages as the Blackout and the Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker in Skibar’s four rooms of documented debauchery. (Snow pants optional.)

Genre: Beach
Bar: The Beach Ball
Location: Newport Beach, California
Why drink here: Yeah, it’s got a spectacular view of the Pacific, but the real selling point of this joint is that it opens at 6 a.m. It also features live music and pool tables to pass out on after your tequila breakfast.


4. Fly hard
Hop on a private jet without needing a ski mask or revolver

Newsflash: Chartering a jet is insanely expensive! But it can cost less than you think. See, when a person charters a jet, they’re paying for the trip there and back, when the plane’s usually empty. And so a company called OneSky Jets is helping Howard Hughes wannabes hitch a ride on those deadheaded jets, often offering 65 to 85 percent off normal fares. A small jet from Los Angeles to Aspen in May, for example, will cost about $8,000, but OneSky says it can offer prices dropping as low as $5,000 if your schedule stays flexible. Compare that to $1,600 for first class airfare from L.A. to Aspen, and, well, you’re still spending a truckload of cash, but the crushing debt is worth it.


5. Listen to Ozzy
He's been on the road for almost 40 years and remembers some of it

What is the key to surviving airport delays?
I’m still looking for that key. I can’t stand traveling by plane, because there are always fucking delays. Sometimes it’s quicker to take the bus.

How do you shut up the chatty person sitting next to you on an airplane?
Actually, I don’t mind sitting next to chatty people, but if I get stuck next to someone who pisses me off, then I just pretend to be asleep.

How can you guarantee an unforgettable vacation?
Warm weather, good food, good company, and lots of sex.



Upgrade your: Dog
Old: Pit bull
New: Puggle (half pug, half beagle)
So maddeningly cute, they're guarenteed to either get you laid or turn you gay.

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