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Time to make your crib your castle

1. Be a bad neighbor
Penn Jillette on tormenting the jerk across the street.

Decide exactly how you hate them and how much you’re willing to spend to fuck with them and then spend that money on yourself via conspicuous consumption. Pay hookers to come to your house at a time when your neighbor can see them. If you’re low on cash, you could make a deal. Tell them, “I just want you to walk in looking sluttier than Chelsea Clinton, and I’ll make you cookies.” (If you have the money, then you’ll want to fuck them for certain.) Next, go to a warehouse and get flat-screen TV boxes and send yourself, like, 10 of them. You might even get yourself a subscription to a major yachting magazine and put your name with his address on it. Make your neighbor absolutely green with envy; make it clear you can bring in women and buy tons of expensive things. Make him believe his life is going so much shittier than yours; make him think he’s an indigent needle-dick piece of shit. Which, you know, if you hate him, then he probably is.


2. De-douche your décor
OK, fella, time to upgrade your broke-ass, woman-repellant pad.

Modern Bamboo Spring Chairs
Toss Grandpa’s hand-me-down recliner like you did his corpse and get these flexy Bamboo Spring Chairs, each one crafted in a single ribbon of bamboo. $690

Alberto Frias Transport Perceptual Pod
Lose the futon already. $16K gets you this amped-up waterbed with iPod dock, Anthony Gallo speakers, and LED lights. It’s like a personal Laser Floyd. $16,000

Brunswick V-Force
Air hockey rules! We’re partial to Brunswick’s supersleek new model. Short on space? Use as a dining room table in a pinch. $925

André Couch
Your three-legged Naugahyde bachelor couch is giving guests scoliosis and crabs. Smarten things up with Room & Board’s modern André sofa. $1,500

3.Floor it
New car, schmew car. Go classic.

Thinking about dropping 18 grand on a new 2008 Hyundai Tiburon? Drop that Car and Driver, pull your head out of your ass for just a second, and hear us out, friend. For between $12,000–$20,000 you could be the new owner of a vintage Porsche 911. Mechanic-to-the-stars Marc Bixen points out that while other 911 models are selling high, 1980-1983 SCs are relative bargains on the market now and have the bonus of relatively low repair and running costs. And unlike that humble Hyundai, a used 911 will most certainly gain in value over the next few years. “Find a low-mileage model (60K miles or less), maintain it well (expect to spend $1,500 a year for an oil change, tuneup, and 1/3
of a brake job), and suddenly driving a Porsche becomes an economical proposition,” Bixen says. Well, economical besides those speeding tickets.


Upgrade your: Cocktail
Old: Gin and tonic
New: English Harbour rum and soda
Soft, sweet rum over crushed ice with a splash of soda? Straight classy, son.

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