BLOGGING
When people have to suddenly teach themselves to build shelter, forage for food, and clothe their families on $2 a week, there's no time to sit down and muse about that new My Morning Jacket album or your disbelief at what Victoria Beckham is wearing. Your permanent URL is mystomacheisrumblingbutIhavetokeepmopping.blogspot.com.




ORGANIC FOOD
Never again must you have a conversation about whether or not the dozen eggs you're buying was pooped out by chickens with healthy self-esteem on a farm worked entirely by lesbian volunteers. If you can even afford an egg, you'll suck it down raw before your ingrate kids get home from the copper mine and swipe it from you.




$4 COFFEE
You say you take yours with a triple venti mocha shot and a splash of half-skim, half-milk? Not anymore, Juan Valdez. The only coffee you'll be lucky enough to suck down each morning will be strained through an old pair of underwear onto a hot plate. All those Starbucks locations will make awesome squatting spots, though, so claim yours early!




BLACKBERRYS
wuts ^? nada, jus chillin. huh? u hvnt wurkt in 8 mnths? weird, me 2! i lurnd 2 make pants out of old nwspaprs and fish scales. neway, ur brakin up...i nvr get a signl 1ce my lunch break is ova n im forced 2 go bak insid da factory 2 take out asbestos manually. KTHXBAI




DANCING WITH THE STARS
Since your television will either serve as a dining table or be gutted for use as an Easy-Bake Oven, you won't have time to watch has-beens dance for your amusement. In fact, there will be no need for reality TV, because real human drama will happen to you every day from now on. You don't have to spend 30 Days vicariously living with poor people, you'll be one!




DISTRESSED DESIGNER JEANS
Why spend $400 on a pair of jeans that have been painstakingly stone-washed, sanded, stained, beaten, tattered, and frayed when you can simply wear the same pair of jeans every day until they spontaneously fall off your body, which you will.




HAIR GEL
Forget having to give your hair that tousled, just-got-out-of-bed look—when you haven't showered in a month and you spend your nights curled up in a bus station locker, your hair will be naturally stiff, greasy, and oddly spiky. Oh, and hold on to that hipster beard, because dry shaving with broken glass is a bitch.