SET THE SCENE | SET THE MOOD | LIVE ENTERTAINMENT | GAMBLING

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT
Unless you know a team of flexible acrobats or have the Rolling Stones on speed dial, you'd better get creative.

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
You might think that it's virtually impossible to re-create the lovely women of Vegas. And you'd be right. But you gotta try, right? Here are three simple ways to girl up your couch casino.

Call Local Gentlemen's Clubs: Scout out a few local strip clubs (hey, this is for business) and see if they offer any in-home packages. Odds are they'll say no, or quote an outrageous price, but there's a good chance you'll find an enterprising dancer willing to round up some of her friends for a private party. To boost your odds, hit up the clubs midweek when they aren't as packed.

Thank You, CraigsList! In the old days, you had to search your newspaper's classified ads. Enter: CraigsList, the ultimate resource for all the stuff you're too embarrassed to ask for in person. Whether you're looking for sexy servers, massage therapists, erotic performers, topless dealers, this site has everything you need…and a lot that you don't. Be sure and hide your valuables before they arrive.

Go to Canada: For once you might wish you were Canadian, because The Bachelor Plan does it up right. Just check out some of their, ahem, talent, and you'll be making a dash for the border.

Don't Go Overboard

Heed our warning: Most live entertainment sucks unless it involves foxy boxing, a donkey show, or donkey boxing. Anything else, you stage at your own risk. For example, if you want a famous/formerly famous band to play your house, you can contact Agency 3. Of course, it'll cost you six-months rent to get Flock of Seagulls or Coolio, let alone someone you'd want in your living room. There's also Premier Casino Events, a full-service party planner that can re-create a casino. It's also wildly fucking expensive.

Helicopter Ride Around the Grand Canyon
When you're strolling down the strip, there are always tons of shady helicopter rides over the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. (Take our word for it, it's creepy and will most likely lead to your death.) Play it safe and set up your own mile-high trip without leaving your couch. Here's what you need:

The Screen: A big white sheet or shower curtain hung at a curved angle.
The Video Source: Any decent video projector. We favor the Sony VPL-AW15 BRAVIA, which should be hooked up to your PS3 or a Blu-ray player. (It's worth it.)
The Sound: A surround sound subwoofer placed at the base of your couch.
The Required Blu-ray Discs: Scenic National Parks: Grand Canyon, Scenic National Parks: Yosemite and Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series.
The Most Important Part: Lots of beer. Enjoy the trip!


Squirrel Du Soleil
At first, we were going to suggest hiring an acrobat. But local gymnasts cost money and those French Canadian troupes will steal all of your good bathroom soap. Then we saw this video of a squirrel on a mission and got an idea.

Animals Needed: It's called "Squirrel Du Soleil," but any tiny rodent will do. Got a snake? Just call it "Mouse Du Soleil" and make his finale a leap into a python's unhinged jaw. The easiest option is stopping by your local pet store and picking up a hamster or gerbil, but if you're feeling Cletus, catch a squirrel and put him in the cage.

Performance Area: Since you don't want to put too much effort into the show (not all rodents were meant for prime time), stop by PetSmart for a colorful cage. For under $50 you can get The Super Pet CritterTrail Two and The Super Pet Critter Trail Expansion Kit 2.

Rev the Little Guy Up: Make your mini-performer rowdy by giving him something tasty. At the risk of rousing PETA (it doesn't take much), we suggest a thimbleful of Red Bull—but not any more. If you give him too much, he might die. That makes the show less fun.

Broadcast It: If you're an ambitious filmmaker, or have impatient guests, set up a camcorder and hook it up to the small TV. This way your buddies can gamble, and if anything interesting happens they can direct their attention to the cage or watch it later. If something spectacular happens, like the hamster starts shooting skeet, you can upload it to one of those pay-for-funny-clip sites and possibly make some cash to cover expenses.


Stage Your Own UFC Event
Got a friend who thinks he's Kimbo? Make him prove it.

Build Your Own Octagon: If you want to build a real Octagon, check out this message board post and get to work. Sane people who aren't trying to start their own MMA league only need these few elements:

The Mat: Keep your friends unbroken with an Aerobed. They run under $200 and are useful beyond fighting. (Perhaps the winner gets to sleep on it and the loser sleeps in the sink.) Cheaper would be to stop by Toys "R" Us, Wal-Mart, or other mass retailer, buy a bunch of pool floats and string 'em together like a raft. For the legendarily cheap, drive around town until you find two dumpster mattresses. The upside: You can cut them into an octagon. The downside: They're usually pregnant with semen.

The Ring: While you're at PetSmart picking up supplies, grab a Large Clean Living Playpen. For only $40 you get eight sides and nine square feet of hurting zone. The best part is that the fighters have to climb through that little square opening, their only escape is a painful exit over the top. If you need more space, buy two and attach them.

The Fighters: Pair your two toughest and/or most easily manipulated friends—it only takes one punch to make it personal. Also, since everyone should be betting, make sure the fighters get a piece of the action. If you care too much for your friends to see them hurt (pussy), hit up, you guessed it, CraigsList for freaks who like wrestling. If you're a real scumbag, hire homeless people; you already stole their semen-covered mattress, might as well take their few remaining shreds of dignity, too.

It's Magic!
Kidnap Criss Angel…and leave him somewhere no one will ever find him. This has nothing to do with re-creating Vegas. We just hate that fucking guy, and you owe us after all we've done for you.