16. Yeast
Its effect on sugars and grains forms products that help us stop crying when we think about our lives. Yeast, you put the “fun” in unicellular fungi.

17. Sassy TV Judges
There are more court shows on daytime TV than you can shake a deadbeat dad at, but nothing makes unemployment fly by like watching Judge Hatchett (or Judy, Marilyn Milian, etc.) ream out someone for not paying his trailer rent. Boredom adjourned!

18. Monsters
From the Montauk monster (a bloated, unidentifiable creature that washed up on the shores of Long Island this summer) to the body of bigfoot (OK, it was a rubber suit) to a cat with four ears (real!), monsters are making a major comeback. And we couldn’t be happier. At this rate the chupacabra tattoo on our ankle will be cool in no time!

19. HoffSpace
Thank you, David Hasselhoff, for filling a social-networking void on the Internet. Now, through HoffSpace, we can finally connect with friends and purchase posters of you in various stages of undress.

20. The Next Bond Girl
As a revenge-obsessed assassin who finds herself squarely in 007’s boner wheelhouse, Quantum of Solace’s Olga Kurylenko gets our vote as the hottest Bond girl ever. (Please, Halle, don’t be mad, baby. ) Olga hails from Ukraine, which hasn’t seen such glory since it split from the U.S.S.R. Vodka and Olga? Maybe Communism had its merits after all.

21. That We Didn’t Buy a First-Generation iPhone
Remember when they cost $600 and had all those glitches? Now they’re only $200, and you still get the glitches. That’s a $400 savings!

22. Cheese
It may constipate us for days, but all the more time for our stomach to savor that four-year-old Dutch Gouda.

23. Fire
We wouldn’t have human civilization—or tonight’s dinner—without you. Everdure has harnessed its power with the eBQ grill, which sports surround lighting and cooking features advanced enough to smoke fish or make a pizza. The cave men would be proud! And then thoroughly confused, resulting in their attacking it with a rock.

24. NBA Live
Did some D-league castaway crack Milwaukee’s rotation? Is Carmelo taking more midrange jumpers than last year? We heart NBA Live 09’s Dynamic DNA feature, which updates players’ abilities as the actual season progresses. (Spoiler alert: The Knicks will still suck.)

25. The Flomax Guys
When it comes to pill commercials, we’ll take potty-break insecurity over dong-size insecurity any day. For the record, we urinate a lot. Max out!

26. Waking Up to Fresh-Baked Bread
Alfie Lake makes an alarm clock that wakes you up with this inviting scent. The downside? Tastes like metal and plastic.

27. Watching Sports on HDTV
From swarms of mayflies in the Cleveland outfield to swarms of bacne on ’roided-out pro wrestlers, HDTV lets us see and hopefully one day smell it all.

28. Our Moose-Hunting Mom Never Got Into Politics
Tickle fights with grumpy Uncle McCain can get messy in the absence of adult diapers.

29. Nose Hair Trimmers
The NoseVac No Hair Left Behind device shreds nasal weeds and has a built-in vacuum to suck up the leavings and save your marriage.

30. The Noble Swine
Whether you’re devouring bacon, grilling up spareribs, getting international with some chorizo, or trying to impress people by ordering Bo Ssäm, one thing is certain: No other animal begs to be killed, cut up, cooked slowly, and ingested more than our friend the pig. Thanks for being so tasty, porky pal!