ELEVATED THREAT LEVEL
World War III
Sure, he’s got a fantastic jump shot, but in a volatile world filled with Medvedevs and Ah­-ma­dinejads, does our rookie president have what it takes to protect us from global conflict? On one hand, our relations with Russia have become increasingly chilly ever since they invaded Georgia last year. Meanwhile, our pissing contest with Iran has yet to extinguish their nuclear ambitions, and reports claim they have enough nuke juice for a functioning bomb. Add deeply troubling conditions in Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Pakistan, Lebanon, and North Korea to the overheated gumbo and suddenly Kennedy’s big “test”—the Cuban missile crisis—feels like a high school production of Mamma Mia! If WWIII is on its way, is it just a matter of time before there are mushroom clouds in our own backyard? Because, you know, that would totally fuck up those hydrangeas we just planted back there.
Survival kit: Radiation suit, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Australia. Anyone who’s seen any postapocalyptic movies knows the world ultimately looks like Australia, so it’s better to get used to the terrain and ’roo burgers sooner than later. Learn how to convert a Subaru into a tank when you get the chance.
Pros: Shorter lines at Whole Foods.
Cons: Widespread casualties and mutant radioactive zombies.
When will this happen? We doubt you’ll need to build a bomb shelter or practice ducking beneath an elementary school desk anytime soon. Recently nuked nations do not make for good importers of your oil.

LOW THREAT LEVEL
The Rapture
According to a Time/CNN poll, 59 percent of Americans believe the biblical end times depicted in the book of Revelation will come to pass. If they’re right, the Earth shall soon become an especially bad Jerry Bruckheimer movie filled with demons, plagues of locusts, and rivers of blood. On the bright side (at least for believers): Before the planet goes to hell in a handbasket, the Rapture will arrive. Christians will be whisked away to the heavens to meet Jesus, thanking their lucky stars they weren’t left behind with the world’s Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and liberal college professors to face a bloody Armageddon. “The Rapture is imminent,” says RaptureReady.com’s general editor, Terry James. “Millions of Christians are going to disappear.” And according to most evangelicals, our only hope is to convert before the Rapture occurs. Guess we’d better get to church and start looking for a nice Muslim couple to feed the cats.
Survival kit: JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON sweater, the Left Behind series, a copy of that footprints-in-the-sand story, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: The Bible Belt. After the Rapture, South Carolina will be your own private Idaho.
Pros: Pat Robertson will finally get raptured off the airwaves.
Cons: Itchy church pants.
When will this happen? Biblical soothsayers like Tim LaHaye, coauthor of the Left Behind series, say Israel holds the key. Matthew 24:34 suggests that once Israel becomes a state, as it did in 1948, a “generation shall not pass” before Armageddon arrives. Since some biblical scholars qualify a biblical generation as being 40 years, many predicted the Rapture/Armageddon would happen by 1988. Now many say we should forget the 1948 date and focus on Israel’s Six Day War in 1967. Which should put the Rapture right about…

SEVERE THREAT LEVEL
Bin Laden, Take 2
No one knows how it will happen. A dirty bomb in the middle of Times Square. Suicide bombers at suburban malls. A nuclear weapon sneaked through security at one of our flim­sily secured ports. Ever since September 11, 2001, we’ve heard it repeatedly: It’s not a matter of if we’ll face another terrorist attack, but when. Alleged Al Qaeda operatives have been warning that the next attack will be “worse than 9/11.” And with the U.S. distracted by Iraq, Al Qaeda has been gaining strength in northern Pakistan, an unstable and nuclear-equipped nation best known these days for being, how do we say it, the clusteriest of clusterfucks.  
Survival kit: Shortwave radio, SUPPORT THE TROOPS CAR car magnet, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Vancouver. It’s hard to hate a place with all that delicious maple syrup.
Pros: Free Bruce Springsteen concerts.
Cons: Being subjected to Toby Keith’s supertight jeans.
When will this happen? John Scott Redd, former head of the National Counterterrorism Center, says another strike by Al Qaeda is “inevitable.” And, unfortunately, they’re as patient as they are bearded: The fuckers waited eight years to strike again after the first World Trade Center bombing in 1993.  

LOW THREAT LEVEL
Armageddon 2012
You’ll probably recall that New Year’s Eve 1999 was filled with lots of apocalyptic anxiety. That was nothing. The real doomsday jitters will arrive in 2012—and no, we’re not talking about Sarah Palin’s probable presidential run. On December 21, 2012, the 5,125-year cycle that makes up the Mayans’ calendar system officially comes to a close. Some, including the authors of The Bible Code and The Nostradamus Code, have predicted that an enormous comet or meteor will destroy the Earth during this fateful year. Or worse, says Lawrence E. Joseph, author of Apocalypse 2012: An Investigation Into Civilization’s End, “The next peak in the sunspot cycle, due in 2012, is widely expected to set records for the number and intensity of solar storms pummeling the Earth with radiation and igniting natural calamities such as earthquakes, volcanoes, and Katrina-size hurricanes.” And we thought sitting through Apocalypto was bad.
Survival kit: Sunscreen (SPF 90), rebreather, non-Mesoamerican calendar, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Start investing in a moon plot. If the Earth’s gone, even Survivorman, Ted Nugent, and MacGyver are going to have a tough time improvising.
Pros: Some, like Daniel Pinchbeck, author of 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl, believe an upcoming evolution in consciousness will make humans smarter. Possibly even smart enough to know how to pronounce “Quetzalcoatl.”
Cons: We’re gonna get screwed on all those 2013 T-shirts that we invested in.
When will this happen? The precise time the Mayan calendar comes to its conclusion is December 21, 2012, at 11:11 p.m. Universal Time. Bummer— that’s right in the middle of The Daily Show!