LOW THREAT LEVEL
The Big Buzz Kill
Weird people who like to wear nets over their faces (i.e., beekeepers) have been reporting a mysterious “colony collapse disorder” in their hives, with bees disappearing across the country. Stinger enthusiasts in 22 states claim that 30 to 90 percent of their honeybees have either died off or vanished. Is it pesticides? Bee-on-bee violence? Hive foreclosures? No one knows exactly what is going on. And while you might think this sounds pretty harmless, Mike Adams of the Consumer Wellness Center will tell you you’re wrong. Adams reports that a colony collapse could lead to a “dire food supply emergency.” A third of the crops produced in the U.S.—oranges, apples, soybeans, and countless others—rely on honeybee pollination. Because of this, compounded with the reality of pop­u­lation growth, some worry that there could be widespread food shortages. So start stockpiling Vienna sausages and stealing extra honey packets from your local Così sandwich shop.
Survival kit: Vitamin C tablets, honey, a freezer full of blueberries, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: IHOP. Their cream- cheese-stuffed French toast will keep you full into the next millennium.
Pros: Fewer stings. Plus, if all the bees vanish, you will have an excuse for never bringing flowers home.
Cons: You’ll have to make your gin and juice with Tang.
When will this happen? With each passing season, beekeepers worry about a complete extinction of their hives. Even if this doesn’t wipe out humanity, we shudder to think of a Honey Nut Cheerio–less world.

SEVERE THREAT LEVEL
Our Feverish Biosphere
We should have listened to Al Gore: Tipper is horrible in bed. Oh, and just as he’s been blabbing on about for the past few years, the weather is getting weirder by the day. Headlines are filled with evidence of terrifying climate change: record-setting droughts, horrible floods, extinction of species, ruined ski vacations. Global warming is as “frightening as a science fiction movie,” said U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon after citing a recent inter­national study that posited that the U.S. should expect dramatic heat waves and rising sea levels that could jeopardize our coasts unless we take drastic measures. More good news for the residents of Earth: An estimated 75 million to 250 million people in Africa could be hit with brutal water shortages, and 25 percent of the planet’s animal and plant life could die off by 2020. Nice knowing you, African vivi­parous toad! Of course, some still think climate change is a lot of hot air—Rush Limbaugh, we’re looking in your OxyContin-popping di­rec­tion—but it’s getting harder to deny that the planet seems to have a lethal hangover from its extended bender with the human race.
Survival kit: Yacht with a wet bar, bathing suit, air conditioner, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Tibet. You can brush up on your Buddhism while avoiding the rising seas in the Himalayas.
Pros: You’ll be able to buy that perfect beachfront home—in South Dakota.
Cons: More men wearing flip-flops and short shorts in December.
When will this happen? Most experts believe climate change is already happening and will get worse in the immediate future unless we make serious changes now. Fine, we’ll only use half a bottle of Aqua Net on our coif before we go out clubbing.

GUARDED THREAT LEVEL
Nanobiobots Gone Wild!
In the very near future, your insides may be crawling with thousands of self-propelled robotic organisms—known as nanobiobots—that diagnose disease, clean up your arteries, and even fight cancer. But there’s a catch: Many scientists worry that the endgame will be an army of dangerous, self-replicating nanobiobots that will reproduce at alarming rates and turn the planet into a big ball of so-called “gray goo.” Michael Crichton’s Prey, among other science fiction novels, addressed the gray goo scenario, and many experts agree that it’s a legitimate threat. “[Gray goo] will have the ability to feed on us until we are extinct,” says Alan H. Goldstein, a prize-winning researcher in nanobiotechnology. At least the homicidal robots in The Terminator were visible!
Survival kit: Teflon body suit, goo repellent, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Branson, Missouri. Not even flesh-eating nanobiobots want to go to Branson, Missouri.
Pros: The gray goo would engulf Dane Cook.
Cons: The gray goo would engulf you.
When will this happen? Scientists believe that nanobiobots will be used to battle cancer and other diseases in the next five years, so pretty soon after that. Yikes!

HIGH THREAT LEVEL
Penicillin-Proof Superbugs
There’s an incredibly scary, medically induced health-care crisis happening in this country right now—and we’re not talking about our crippling addic­tion to NyQuil. The meds that people have been counting on for decades to treat everything from pneumonia to tuberculosis to those burning sensations in the pee-pee department are becoming useless. Turns out the overuse of antibiotics has caused many previously treatable bacteria and germs to evolve into badass drug-resistant super­bugs. For a nightmarish example, there’s the drug-resistant staph infection known as MRSA, which was responsible for more than 18,000 deaths in 2007 in the United States alone, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Germo­phobes who are afraid to touch anything at the doctor’s office may be onto something: More than 100,000 Americans die each year from hospital-acquired infections. Sounding the “holy shit!” alarm, the FDA warns that “the world could be faced with previously treatable diseases that have once again become untreatable, as in the days before antibiotics were developed.” Plague, anyone?
Survival kit: Condoms, antibacterial soap, cootie spray, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Inside a bubble.
Pros: It’s a great excuse for skipping the gym, which is a breeding ground for bacteria and staph infections.
Cons: Without penicillin, you can add untreatable gonorrhea to your list of concerns after sleeping with that skanky cashier from Costco with the lazy eye.
When will this happen? Why waste time? Go pick up a potentially deadly staph infection at your nearest hospital, gym, or grade-school locker room today!