Sexiest Sandwich Named After A Dude
Spruce
San Francisco
On the bar menu at this upscale eatery, the humble Reuben goes high art ($14): house-cured pastrami, beets vinaigrette instead of kraut, and artisanal Gouda.

Bottomless Catfish
Catfish Hotel
Shiloh, TN
From the banks of the Tennessee River, the Hagy family has been dishing out America’s best catfish ever since 1938. Start with a half-slab of baby-back ribs, followed by the Southern-style fried whole catfish. The legendary fish is all you can eat ($12), but you’ll want to save some room for a slice of the cracklike lemon rub pie. 

Hottest Foursome
Arnold’s Country Kitchen
Nashville, TN
To true-blue American foodies, Nashville is as much the home of the Meat and Three as it is the home of country music. And no one does it better than Jack Arnold, who whips your mouth into a tizzy for $8 an order. You really can’t go wrong with any combo of one meat and three sides, but if we had to pick, we’d go for roast beef with mac’n’cheese, turnip greens, and mashed potatoes. And cornbread. And banana pudding. And maybe a slice of chess pie. Then we’d go back for seconds.
Pair with: Fresh lemonade.

Fastest-Disappearing Steak
Babb Bar Cattle Baron Supper Club
Babb, MT
Consuming 28 ounces of steak is not for the weak of stomach, but the rib eye ($30) at Babb Bar Cattle Baron —a log-and-antlers joint situated between Glacier National Park and the Canadian border—makes the battle to swallow a breeze. The rich, addictive marinade means the nearly two pounds of red meat vanishes with alarming speed. (Don’t even think about the 35-ounce T-bone unless you have a death wish.)
Pair with: Moose Drool Brown Ale.

Biggest Bunch Of Bologna
Primanti Bros. 

Pittsburgh, PA
If this Iron City sandwich mecca’s jumbo bologna and cheese ($6) topped with tomato, cole slaw, and fries (yes, on the sandwich) sounds slim, double the meat and cheese and ask for an egg on top. Cardiac arrest never tasted so good.

Best Pig-Out
Blue Ridge Pig 

Nellysford, VA
You’ll know you’ve arrived at hog heaven when you spot the shack with a giant pig-shaped fuel tank on the roof. Get the pulled pork platter with mustard-based cole slaw and potato salad, plus limeade that tastes like it’s been smoked, too ($10). When you get home, you’ll smell the smoke on your clothes. Don’t eat them.

Crunchiest Conch
Lorelei restaurant & cabana bar
Islamorada, FL
At this relaxed seafood shack on Florida Bay, the conch fritters ($8.25) prove what we’ve always suspected: Frying makes everything taste better. Seasoned with island spices, butter-battered, and served with Lorelei’s signature Out Island sauce, they’re as light and salty as the sea. Finally, Florida does something right.
Pair with: Rum punch.

Seven Tastiest Sins
Spiaggia
Chicago, Il
If it’s good enough for Barack to take his first lady on V-Day, it’s good enough for you. The components of the seven-course degustation menu change daily, but you will no doubt be served fish, pork, venison, or pasta and the best cheese course on the planet. Go for the wine pairings. The only downside is the price—$220 per person. But amortized over seven courses, it’s only $31 per bite. Bargain.

Hoppin’est Nachos
The Lonesome Dove
Fort Worth, TX
Wild-game-loving chef Tim Love puts a haute spin on down-home fair. What does that mean? Kangaroo nachos ($12). Built with avocado salsa, boursin cheese, and blue corn chips, the tender slices of rare, squablike ’roo loin just scream “G’day, partner!”
Pair with: Jalapeño cucumber margaritas.

Nuttiest Fish
Mama’s Fish House
Maui, HI
Warning: Once you hit this idyllic spot for the fresh-caught mahimahi stuffed with lobster, crab, and Maui onion and baked in a macadamia nut crust ($54), you will never be able to walk into Long John Silver’s again.

Most Loyal Dog
Hot Doug’s
Chicago, IL
The Chicago hot dog ($1.75), like Oprah, is a world unto itself. Here’s the deal: an all-beef wiener served on a steamed poppy-seed bun with yellow mustard, green relish, caramelized onions, tomatoes, a pickle spear, and a wee bit of celery salt. Go on Fridays and Saturdays, when they serve their duck-fat fries ($3.50).

Rockin’est Roll
Abbott’s Lobster in-the-Rough
Noank, CT
You’ll need a do-over at the pearly gates if you fail to eat a hot lobster roll at Abbott’s ($13.50): generous portions of buttery lobster, no doubt caught inches away, served on a hot, buttered sesame seed bun. Scarf it at a dockside picnic table, and bring your cooler. Abbott’s is not only seasonal (May through September); it’s BYOB.

Barely Legal Cuban
Las Olas Café
Miami, FL
If Tony Montana were alive today, he’d take his yayo-caked mug to Las Olas and dig into the best Cuban sandwich in the non-commie world ($5). It’s tough to screw up a pressed foot-long stuffed with ham, pork, Swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard, but the über-fresh ingredients and lovely locale make this the place to beat, mang.

Spiciest Gamble
Lotus of Siam
Las Vegas, NV
Located in a strip mall a mile from the bright lights, Lotus of Siam serves up mouth-numbing fantasticness. Start with the Nam Kao Tod (minced sausage mixed with green onion, fresh chili, ginger, peanut, crispy rice and lime, $8) before moving on to the Sua Rong Hai (charbroiled beef in spicy sauce, $14). Your burning tongue will help you forget the grand you dropped at the blackjack table.