On the eve of Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th President of the United States, it's time to look back at the many accomplishments of the 43rd…



The Environment
George W. Bush maintained a firm commitment to the environment during his tenure, and his decisions have had incredible global impact. For example: In order to sign the Kyoto Protocol, a United Nations pact designed to combat environmental dangers, Bush would have had to fly a plane…loaded with fossil fuels…which would have left gaseous vapor trails all over the fluffy little white clouds in the sky. Bush courageously said, "No, thanks, Kyoto Whatever. I'm not signing."

This was no empty rhetoric either. Bush made sure that our highways would no longer be clogged with harmful, gas-guzzling cars. Thanks to massive lay-offs, the highest unemployment rate since 1945, and a national economic forecast three steps below "dismal," those infernal commuters and their environment-polluting metal death machines are now off the roads!


The Economy
Above all, the last eight years have taught us to focus. Let's face it: we had gotten soft. Here we were, snorting cocaine off of yachts and chrome-plating our children—we had completely lost perspective. By remaking the Great Depression for a whole new generation to enjoy, this administration taught us to get back to basics. If you can afford milk, don't you throw away those cartons. Make them into shoes! Get back to our country's roots, people. American ingenuity!

Like a good neighbor, we also took time to give the people next door a self-esteem boost. For a while there, the Canadian loon was worth more than the dollar—how's that for making those frost-bitten shut-ins feel good about themselves for a change? A loon! Can you believe that? We can't even believe that's something that's real…

Not to mention, the flag manufacturing industry has been booming since around 2001.



Foreign Policy
There's nothing like tough times to show you who your friends are. And guess what? We…don't have any.

But so what? We're fine just doing stuff by ourselves. We have tons to do today, actually. Wow. We're going to have so much fun today, you wish you could hang out with us…


Arts and Entertainment
Did you like An Inconvenient Truth? Thank President Bush. Without him, Al Gore would have been mired in boring meetings and political stuff instead of following his true calling: Filmmaking. You may have thought you wanted Gore in 2000, but the Supreme Court knew better. That's why they're here: to make these tough calls for you, America.

Plus, New Orleans Superdome attendance records went through the roof in 2005!


National Security
This is where the Bush administration truly shone during its tenure. America's safety was first and foremost, and incredible efforts were made to keep you, your children, your pets, and your domestic servants…um…OK, well you, your children and your pets secure. By starting in a war in Iraq, by making sure electronic voting machines were "working properly" in 2004, and by wire-tapping everyday citizens, the Bush administration kept Karl Rove occupied so that he couldn't finish building his massive Des-Truct-O Ray and floating space station.

When you close your eyes and sleep soundly tonight, you'll know why…