It's disconcerting to watch a man in a red-feathered Mardi Gras mask humping the air like a horny dog in the middle of the dance floor. It's even more unsettling when the guy is 6'3" and well over 200 pounds, nearly all of it muscle. It's borderline terrifying when you realize it's Terrell Owens.

Welcome to Sundance 2009.


In a year when film journalists were pissing and moaning about budget cutbacks and claiming that this edition of the famed film festival would see less chubby bearded press zombies than ever before, the people behind the Axe line of men's grooming products were determined to party like it was…well, before 2009, anyway. They owned a hot spot right in the heart of Park City, Utah and inside they created a place where celebrities, hangers-on, and the occasional web writer (cough) could leave more tipsy, much happier, and better-scented than when they arrived. It's pretty safe to say—judging by one lone wide receiver in the crowd—that they succeeded.


Park City is a ski resort town about a half-hour drive from Salt Lake City, and every January it opens its doors and allows Los Angeles to take over its quiet, narrow streets. It's the kind of place where, in one trip down Main Street, you can see Jack White, Linda Hogan, Kevin Sorbo, Ashley Judd, and overhear Cuba Gooding Jr. snap, "Antoine Fuqua is a hack." (all true, by the way). 

We were in town as guests of Axe, and the red…OK, black…carpet was rolled out for us at the Axe Fix—an impromptu nightclub set up to kick off the opening weekend of Sundance 2009. Sure, sure, it also had something to do with Axe's new "flavors" of men's body wash, but in typical brand fashion, they at least had the decency to entertain you while they pitched you.


The club was split up into subtle quadrants, each one designed to match one of the body wash "variants." There was "Shock," the menthol-laced pick-me-up variant, represented by a lot of blue light, and several small studded balls that sent a jolt up the arm of the curious party guests who picked them up. There was the "Recovery" room for the electrolyte-infused wash of the same name (it's what plants crave!), which held a fake shower and several plush Axe bathrobes. Hoping to see some brave ladies bumping and grinding under the fake shower head, I was sent reeling back to the bar when I saw Billy Bush crammed inside. With other dudes.


The final two sections were "Fever," the red muy caliente variant, which contained the aforementioned Mardi Gras masks, and Snake Peel, which, to our disappointment, did not feature a nest of vipers lying in wait for stumbly drunks. Appropriately enough, however, we did spy Paris Hilton lingering in that area—ironic because, well, the whole push behind the Snake Peel exfoliant is that it's designed to help you scrub way "questionable hook-ups." Lulz.


Seated on a couch attempting to get the feeling back in my hand after snatching up a Shock ball, I overheard one party-goer (over the thumping bass of recent plane crash survivor DJ AM) shaking the hand of another, "Congratulations, you got into the hardest party to get into at Sundance." I checked to see if he was an Axe rep. Nope. Just as I was about to write it off as perhaps a cheesy set-up line, I was interrupted by a dancing Asian girl who told me she was there with "the founders of Myspace." I clocked the balding, middle-aged dude attempting to grind her and realized that that was, indeed, the most forced line being used at the party. You got off lucky this time, possible Axe plant.

Oh, and night two of Axe Fix featured music by hipster demigod Steve Aoki...




And, apparently, these two showed up:


Park City may have experienced a budget crunch—Linda Hogan could only afford to pay two paparazzi to pretend to follow her around!—but once inside the dark confines of the Axe Fix, people seemed willing to scrub away their cares. With electrolytes!

Oh, and I did see some movies while I was out there, but more on that later…