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ELEVATED THREAT LEVEL
World War III
Sure, he’s got a fantastic jump shot, but in a volatile world filled with Medvedevs and Ah­-ma­dinejads, does our rookie president have what it takes to protect us from global conflict? On one hand, our relations with Russia have become increasingly chilly ever since they invaded Georgia last year. Meanwhile, our pissing contest with Iran has yet to extinguish their nuclear ambitions, and reports claim they have enough nuke juice for a functioning bomb. Add deeply troubling conditions in Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Pakistan, Lebanon, and North Korea to the overheated gumbo and suddenly Kennedy’s big “test”—the Cuban missile crisis—feels like a high school production of Mamma Mia! If WWIII is on its way, is it just a matter of time before there are mushroom clouds in our own backyard? Because, you know, that would totally fuck up those hydrangeas we just planted back there.
Survival kit: Radiation suit, duct tape.
Where to go for sanctuary: Australia. Anyone who’s seen any postapocalyptic movies knows the world ultimately looks like Australia, so it’s better to get used to the terrain and ’roo burgers sooner than later. Learn how to convert a Subaru into a tank when you get the chance.
Pros: Shorter lines at Whole Foods.
Cons: Widespread casualties and mutant radioactive zombies.
When will this happen? We doubt you’ll need to build a bomb shelter or practice ducking beneath an elementary school desk anytime soon. Recently nuked nations do not make for good importers of your oil.

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