My Sennheiser Sport II headphones are my ear canal's new BFFs. In or out of the gym, they effortlessly meld with the gobs of earwax I cultivate. They stay firmly in place whether when I'm running on the treadmill or pumping iron. I even find them useful at my desk, where they totally drown out my coworkers blather about the fresh huckleberries they just picked up at the farmer's market. Losers.  

The Playlist:
"Ms New Booty" by Bubba Sparxxx
"Mike Piazza, New York Catcher" by Belle & Sebastian
"Pablo Picasso" by the Modern Lovers
"Indian Girl" by Slick Rick
"Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera




Doing squat thrusts with my V-moda Vibe II’s firmly shoved in my ears was an audio-erotic pleasure. I could barely hear the sandpaper-like sound of my thighs chafing with these suckers on. The stainless steel and fabric mesh cables solve my most common bud bummer—splayed wires. Though my frighteningly copious ear sweat caused a few drops, I plan to melt and drip Old Spice into my ear canal ASAP. I see nothing that could go wrong with this plan. Excelsior!

The Playlist:
“Man! I Feel Like a Woman” by Shania Twain (on repeat)





The sound on my custom UE 11 Pro was rich, full and warm—when I could keep these things in my ears. Maybe my strangely small sounds-holes (thanks for the genetics, ma!) are to blame, but no matter which of the different sized ear tips I tried, the damn things kept popping out of my head when in motion...beautiful, sweaty, ass-scented motion. Anyway, for me a good giggle has the power to wash away my frequent treadmill face plants. Today, I listened to Mitch Hedberg.

Some highlights:
“I love the FedEx guy, because he’s a drug dealer and don’t even know it.”

“I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.”

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.”




Once I got my V-moda Vibe noise canceling buds untangled (they’re coated in Kevlar fabric, which looks cool, but is super catchy), I took them for a spin on the treadmill. And I’m happy to report, despite the sweat soaking I gave them (I gush like a squeezed janitor mop when I walk up, like, two steps, let alone run sprints for 20 minutes), they stayed in snug as a bug and the highs and lows in these super small cans were crisp, and the bass a’ boomin’ bro! A really true sound for ear buds. The noise canceling was so strong I couldn’t hear my own fat-boy foot thuds, or the trainers laughing at me. Two thumbs up.

The Playlist:
“Step in the Arena” by Gangstar
“It’s Over” by The Ramones
“Figure Eight  from School House Rock” by Blossom Drearie
“Pay to Cum” by Bad Brains
“Joy Division” by Love Will Tear Us Apart
“Straight No Chaser” by Cannonball Adderly
“Recording of Dan Bova’s grunts at the squat machine” by Dan Bova (on repeat)  





While I may or may not win this contest (full disclosure: I won’t), I have no doubt that I’m rocking the best headphones and the best music of any of my competitors. Why, you ask? Oh, you didn’t? Well I’ll tell you anyway! I’ve put my workouts in the baby-soft hands of my doctor. Dr. Dre. The Beats Tour by Dr Dre in-ear headphones are no joke: they sound great, filter out any extraneous noise, stay firmly in place, and come equipped with exclusive linguini chord technology, which keeps ‘em from getting tangled. Of course, if I were rocking out to Englebert Humperdink while working my glutes, the actual headphones wouldn’t make any difference.

The Playlist:
“Search and Destroy” by the Stooges
“Fight The Power” by Public Enemy
“Stay Positive” by the Hold Steady
“Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns n’ Roses
“London Calling” by the Clash
“One More Time” by Daft Punk
“Harder Better Faster Stronger” by Eminem
“Party Hard” by Andrew W.K.
“We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister
“B.O.B.” by OutKast
“Hearts on Fire” by John Cafferty