As this thing wraps up, I hope I will hold onto the lessons I’ve learned over the past seven weeks. Food: My diet plan Nutropia has taught me that you don’t have to starve yourself to lose weight, you just need to stop eating servings bigger than a large child’s head. Workout: The fellas at Crunch taught me that to get results in the gym, you have to push yourself to the point of puking or you’re not doing crap. Hiding a body: Make sure you have plenty of bleach on hand. (Things got a little weird during week four.) Good luck, fellow fatties!


I'm writing this in the final week of our staff fitness challenge, and I regret to report that I'm not happy with myself. As wrote to you last week, this stress fracture is a pain in the...ankle. It's not only kept me out of the gym, but I can't even walk around enjoying the spring. I'm slipping, diary. Yesterday I skipped NutriSystem and had a delicious Murray's bagel for breakfast, and a sizzling fajita for lunch. Oh, and I just ate a cheeseburger. It was delicious, but needless to say, I'm not exactly finishing this contest with a bang. All that aside...I lost five pounds, and look a whole lot better with my shirt off. Which is to say, I look a lot less horrifying. And regardless of the ankle situation, I feel physically a lot better now than I have in years. Well, diary, I'm going to keep at this exercise thing (once the cast comes off). So thanks to everyone at Crunch, NutriSystem, New Balance, Monster, and Hollywood Tans. Oh yeah, I'm tan! So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.


As we approach our final week, I cannot help but reflect on the toughest competition I’ve ever been a part of (that is, other than my ongoing battle with ear wax). From sore muscles to non-fulfilling meals to sickening sights of my coworkers’ bare asses, these past seven weeks have made me into a stronger man...nay, human being. But it was all worth it. I feel great (no more panting after going up half a flight of stairs) and look awesome (except for the hint of crack my newly-loose jeans afford). One more week, boys...hope you’re gonna bring it.


At the onset of this man-on-man battle of the waistline, I set one simple goal—look like Patrick Swayze circa Red Dawn. Well, that didn’t happen (though I have gorged myself on the blood of a freshly killed ungulate). While my diet system of NuKitchen home delivered meals was delicious and nutritious, and my Crunch trainers were brutal yet gentle, and my New Balance gear both high performing and snug, I’m now really more of a Jason Segel-type circa Forgetting Sarah Marshall—a little fat, comfortable naked, and comfortable with others being uncomfortable with me naked. So look out…other dudes competing with me, going into the final challenge, I’m ready to let it all hang out and lay it on the line. The balls are in my court, friends.


My personal goal–to erase the entire tire around my waist–probably isn’t going to happen by week’s end. Thing is, I couldn’t workout for hours every day, I had a job to work, a girlfriend to displease, errands to run, etc. Six pack abs instantly? Sorry Men’s Health, as much as I love your cover claims, it ain’t happenin’ in 8 weeks… Unless of course you have time to do “doubles,” have a valet, a masseuse, a personal chef and a driver. Still, I tightened everything and erased most of the flabby masses. I feel better, sleep better and look better. And with that, I’d like to say: Beer binges and late-night gyros, I’m coming home!

Special thanks:
+ The Crunch gym crew (best trainers ever!)
+ E-Diets. A solid meal plan company. Good food, great service, awesome variety.
+ Asics. Your new GT line saved my knees, back. (It also saved me from wearing my broke-ass BK Knights to spin class.)
+ Burpees. I hate you! But, kinda love you… Call me?