It's impossible that every book-turned-into-a-movie or every social networking innovation is a "cultural phenomenon," and yet that phrase gets tossed around with more frequency and inaccuracy than "genius," "important," and "newsworthy." Being told something is a phenomenon doesn't make it one. But that doesn't stop the PR machines from trying to spin minor blips into major behemoths.




Twitter
Guess what? According to "the world" (read: the small minority who have nothing better to do than troll the internet for 8 hours a day), every form of communication is now obsolete thanks to Twitter. Forget about it. The war is over, and Twitter stands victorious. Anything that needs more than 140 characters to say isn't worth saying anyway, right? Look, it's a fun diversion, but it's sure to be replaced by something else - just like Facebook knocked off MySpace, which knocked off Friendster, which knocked off "actually having friends."



Twilight
For a while there, you couldn't ride a subway or a bus or sit in a waiting room without noticing someone with their nose pressed into a Harry Potter book. They were everywhere. That's a legitimate cultural touchstone. About a month before the movie opened, we were told that Twilight was just such a phenomenon—but, honestly, had you ever seen anyone reading it? Or even talking about it? Unless you sat next to "Azreal" and his black nail polish in third period English, the odds are you hadn't. It's niche, folks. Not a phenom.



The Jonas Brothers
Before you start in with "Well, you guys are just old and out of touch," allow us to just say two things: "Shut up." And "Get off of our lawns." When Hannah Cyrus's name is on the marquee, the fans swarm. You can't go two feet without seeing her face or hearing her name. The Monkees? Sorry, Jonas Brothers? The only ones who went to their concert film were extended family. No one else cares, despite Disney's subliminal mindfuck techniques.



Watchmen/Zach Snyder
Remember the ad campaign for Watchmen? It didn't make any effort to, you know, tell anyone what the movie was about or who the characters were. Nope, its whole stance was: "You should already know how cool this is. If you don't, screw you." Well, most people tuned out, and the box office sank steadily from day one. And calling director Zach Snyder "a visionary"? Hey, the guy's good and all, but he has done exactly, um, three movies: One, a remake (Dawn of the Dead), the other two slavish photocopies of graphic novels (300 and Watchmen). Might want to hold off on those laurels until he directs a movie rather than an homage.



Ron Paul
Sure, you saw the hand-painted lawn signs and heard tales of the "staggering" groundswell of internet support that was going to carry Paul straight into the White House. It was a good story, and it certainly lent credibility to the power of web-based grassroots campaigning, but like all things "famous" on the internet, the outside world responded with a collective "Whowiththewhatnow?" Paul was kind of the new Howard Dean, except we suspect that more people could identify Dean in a line-up. Again - a blip. Not a phenom.



Kanye West
You know who thinks Kanye is a cultural phenomenon? Kanye. And he's not afraid to say it every chance he gets. Sure, he sells records, and his work as a producer is respectable, but the more he insists on branding himself a phenomenon the more he, well, proves he isn't. A true musical phenomenon takes over, crosses all boundries, and slams its imprint on the world. It doesn't whine into web cams about how no one else seems to "get" what a phenomenon it is.



The Hills
As a source for interchangeable hotties with no career ambitions beyond froliking in bikinis, The Hills does its job. But let's not pretend that anyone outside of a tiny demographic (13 year old girls, and invalids who have lost their remote controls) knows or cares about who Spencer Pratt is. The only way The Hills is on anyone else's lips is when it's followed by the question: "Who actually watches this shit?"



The ER Finale
"The show you stopped watching eight years ago and is just one of many interchangeable, faceless medical shows is limping into its 15th and final season!"  The only reason ER is relevant is because it's the show George Clooney had to leave in order to become a famous actor. OK, so it managed a few solid seasons early on, but if you have to remind people you're still on the air in order to get them to tune in to your "epic finale," you are not a phenomenon.