SCENARIO: It’s late, you’ve had 12 shots of tequila, three Jaegermeisters and something called “The Atomic Hammer,” and you decide that it would be a swell time to call your ex-girlfriend who dumped you. The phone rings and…

HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN:  …you get her answering machine, where you leave a relatively brief message: “Hey, how’s it going? It’s me. I’m really, really drunk and miss you.” With liquid courage still coursing through your veins, you hit re-dial and call again. Only this time, you’re sort of crying and mumbling about how much you “miss her and wish she would take you back.” Twenty-six messages of ever-descending embarrassment later, her new boyfriend picks up the phone and, in great detail, explains just how lame you truly are. The next day, your voice is the soundtrack for a YouTube clip titled “The Most Pathetic Drunk Dialer Ever!”

SMOOTH MOVE:  …you hang the eff-in’ phone up, switch to water, and accept the first sober ride home to get your sorry ass to bed.