SCENARIO: You walk in the door and she has that look on her face. “Hey,” she says solemnly, “we need to talk.”

HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN: It’s the moment you’ve been dreading since you hooked up with a girl so far out of your league that you’ve often pondered the possibility that you’re the subject of a hidden camera show. Like a lamb headed to slaughter you reluctantly shuffle her way. The cringed look on your face says it all: This…is…going…to…hurt. “Yeah,” she continues, as she shakes her head, “this isn’t working out for me.”

SMOOTH MOVE: As soon as she utters the words “we need to talk,” it’s go-time! The first words out your mouth should be as follows: “You’re damn right we need to talk!” This will stun her only momentarily; but just long enough for you to take control of the situation and perform the trickiest of tasks: a pre-breakup breakup. Then drill her with a verbal arsenal of tried-and-true break-up line: “It’s not you, it’s me” (BAM!), “We just don’t belong together” (K-POW!), “Maybe in another life,” (THWACK!) and “Get your shit and get out.” (KA-BOOM!) In two weeks, she’ll be knocking on your door, begging you to take her back…and you will.

Sponsored by