SCENARIO: You're at a party and you suddenly realize that perhaps the six Chimichanga special, aka the Atomic Bowel Buster, you downed 30 minutes earlier wasn’t such a good idea. You decide to quietly walk away from the crowd to release a little air pressure from the old mid-section tanks. Instead you partially unload the torpedo tube.

HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN: You panic. Without thinking, you sit down. Bad idea. You stand up. Not much better. Your friends motion you to re-join them. They notice that your fun-loving demeanor has been replaced with the look of terror. The blond bombshell you've been hitting on for the past hour catches a whiff. She runs away yelling something about adult diapers. Henceforth, you're nicknamed "The Shartinator" and become the butt of every joke: "Weren't you the dark haired guy on Shartsky & Hutch?"

SMOOTH MOVE: The key is to get out quickly and return quickly. Immediately pick up your cell phone, which miraculously pretends to ring. "Hello," you say. Then walk within earshot of the blond hottie and add loudly: "What?! My apartment has been broken into? You need me to fill out a police report?" Run home, clean up, and return to the party, where the concerned blonde will welcome you back with "Is everything OK?" You'll explain that you're "really shaken up" by the whole ordeal and that you're not sure if you can stay at home tonight. ("The perp left a nasty note saying he'd be back.") She will not just ask, but beg you to stay at her place. And you will.

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