SCENARIO: You and your buddy are swigging beer and chomping on a potato skins appetizer when you notice a gorgeous figure standing all alone at the bar. You must meet her. And you must shine.

HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN: One step away from this female goddess, you suddenly realize that you can’t remember your own name. So you stand there. Looking. She looks back and finally says, “Uh, hello?” You respond in kind, and blurt out that you don’t like coming to bars because “the women here are always so trashy.” (Strike 1!) After a moment of awkward silence, you mention that you enjoy the fine art of stamp collecting (Strike 2!) and that your mother is throwing a birthday party for you next week. “You should come,” you suggest. (and Steee-rike 3!) She responds...by walking away.

SMOOTH MOVE: Get psyched up by telling yourself: “I am a god, and this woman is damn lucky to meet me.“ (Editorial note: Do not say this aloud as it tends to have a tremendously "unsmooth" result.) Now turn to your buddy and tell him to feign a choking fit on the potato skins. In true wingman fashion, he begins a wheezing search for air, complete with flailing arms. You spring into action, causing just enough disruption—"OMG, this man's choking!"—to grab the attention of the girl at the bar. Perform the Heimlich maneuver (or just simply beat the shit out of your buddy's back), and promptly have him thank you for the life-saving miracle. Now walk toward the hottie at the bar and calmly ask the barkeep for a drink. "That was amazing!" she'll say. Your response: "It was nothing." You've now established that you're both heroic and humble. Offer a big smile and introduce yourself. "Would you mind helping me calm my friend a bit?" And now you're sensitive. Congratulations, you've just made the greatest first-impression EV-VER. She's all yours.

Sponsored by