Everyone knows that comic book publishers "kill" major heroes for the same reason sitcom families adopt homeless orphans—the audience is bored and they need something quick and cheap to renew interest. Superhero "deaths" usually last about a year before slumping sales and fanboy tears force the companies to hastily—and sloppily—return to the status quo.

With rumors of a lame ret-con for Captain America—who, you may remember, was "killed" by a sniper about a year or so ago—involving "magic guns" and "parallel dimensions," here are some of the absolute lamest explanations for super-resurrections.

Superman
When a supervillain beats Superman to death (wow, it took them until 1993 to figure that tactic out?) Kal-El returned as two "energy beings"—one Blue, one Red. (The Red one was, apparently, the more brash and hot-headed one. The Blue one was the crispy lettuce and pickles). When fans rightfully raised their Cheeto-stained fists in anger, DC quickly went, "Oh, during this space battle between D-list enemies, the two Supermen merged and become original Superman again. Happy?" It was the editorial equivalent of the "just 'cause" explanation.

Green Arrow
When ye olde weapons failed to protect Oliver Queen from modern crooks, he took a nice long dirt nap. Strike that, it wasn't long. His old buddy Green Lantern shows up at his grave one day and resurrects him with all the pomp and circumstance the "undo" button on Photoshop. Blip! He's not dead anymore. KTHXBAI!

Bucky
There used to be an old saying, "No one stays dead but Bucky." Well, Marvel may need to revise that. Bucky was Captain America's old sidekick, a half-assed Robin whose death was probably the only one in comic book history to be received enthusiastically by readers. Oh, but he didn't die, you see. Russians plucked his frozen body out of the water, gave him a bionic arm, and turned him into an assassin called The Winter Solider. But he later was all, "Hey, America, just kidding" and took over the mantle of Captain America after the original Cap ate the aforementioned sniper bullet.

 

Robin (Jason Todd)
The second guy to squeeze into the ill-fitting Robin tights at Batman's insistence, Todd, like Bucky, was a guy better dead than read. DC Comics actually set up a 1-800 number and allowed fans to weigh in on whether or not Todd should survive a run-in with The Joker. The fans responded, and Todd was beaten to death and blown up. No one walks away from that, right? Errm…The reason for his return is so asinine, you can't even explain it properly. A comic blog called The Angriest sums up how DC "explains" Todd's return (as a villain called The Red Hood) in Batman Annual #25:

"Jason Todd returned to life because Superboy punched a wall. It's a magical wall, you see, and DC take the opportunity to blame Superboy's wall-punching for their constant screwing up of the continuity of Hawkman and Doom Patrol at the same time. The Superboy I refer to is what they call "Superboy Prime", the original comic book Superboy who was sealed off in his own pocket dimension when his world was erased during Crisis on Infinite Earths. He didn't like being trapped there, you see, and he kept banging on the walls to get out, and every time he bangs the wall, ripples of continuity get screwed up across the DC Universe.
So one minute Jason Todd was dead, and the next he was alive."

Slow clap. But can American Idol set up a "Who Should Die" 1-800 number?

 


Hawkeye
The Marvel answer to Green Arrow didn't fare much better than his emerald counterpart. Given a lame death (he gets cut down like an extra from Platoon during a battle with aliens), Hawkeye returned when something called "The Time Variance Authority" plucks his essence from the netherworld (ewwww) and returns him to Earth so he can serve as a juror in a case involving former Avenger mate She-Hulk. Yes, that's correct. He was resurrected for jury duty. Not even death can save you from that.

 

Jean Grey
One of the single most ball-less do-overs in comic history. Originally, Jean Grey was just a simple telepath named Marvel Girl (would love to have heard the brainstorming session that spawned that gem). In an attempt to save her teammates, she nearly dies and the trauma pushes her abilities to new heights, eventually turning her into the planet-destroying mega-badass known as Dark Phoenix. Then Marvel went, "Oh, when Jean crashed her jet in the ocean that one time? An alien kidnapped her, trapped her in a box, then pretended to be her. So Dark Phoenix was an alien this whole time. Hey, look! Jean's back!" Blargh. That sucked worse than anything in X-Men 3.