We're all Jim Henson fans 'round these parts, but when it comes to the Muppets' recorded output, there are more stinkers to be heard than there are turds in Oscar's trash can. Hearing the Muppets without the zany visual accompaniment can sometimes be the ultimate test of patience, as evidenced by these tortuous long-players. We guess you can only re-record the "Sesame Street" theme and "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" so many times.

 

5. Muppet Babies: Music is Everywhere

Even the most ardent Muppet fans shudder at the mention of "Muppet Babies," an inexplicably long-lasting and Emmy-winning 'toon that basically consisted of lots of high-pitched whining (thanks to voice cast members Dave Coulier and "See You in Hell" Howie Mandel) and nary a shitty diaper in sight (a blessing in disguise, we suppose). 1987's Music is Everywhere featured such memorable numbers as "Art is for Your Heart," "Show Us the Real You" and "Amadogus," Rowlf's ballsy riff on "Rock Me Amadeus." An LP of actual crying babies would have been more soothing.

 

4. Muppet Beach Party

Hey, wanna know what's more annoying than Beach Boys songs? How about Kermit's useless runt of a nephew singing them? Muppet Beach Party was the second release on the Jim Henson Records imprint in 1993, when Kermie & Co. were enjoying a bit of renewed popularity following "The Muppet Christmas Carol." Of course, popularity is short-lived when you're trying to subject parents to umpteenth versions of "Papa Oom Mow Mow" and "Walkin' on Sunshine," this time sung by foam catfish and rats. Here's hoping Henson's kids at least got a free vacation outta this one.

 

3. The Best of Bert

Any Bert-themed album worth its salt would have to be titled "This Squash-Headed Prick Shuts the Fuck Up." Here, not only do we get shit-starting songs like "I Want to Hold Your Ear" and "Shake Your Wrist," but look at the pose this pompous ass is striking on the cover: "How do you like me now, bitches!" Somebody call up Guy Smiley and get this clown's teeth knocked in. Then we're all gonna have an enjoyable listen to "The Best of Hurt."

 

2. Kermit Unpigged

After an incredible two-year run, the doors of Jim Henson Records were shuttered following the release of this abysmal teaming of Muppets and "superstar" recording artists. In 1994, you couldn't get any bigger than Linda Ronstadt and George Benson, right? Right?! But the real crime perpetrated here was the introduction of Ozzy Osbourne to the world of cute. How many steps are there between recording a "Born to Be Wild" duet with Miss Piggy and looking feeble and pathetic on your own reality show? Not many.

 

1. Miss Piggy's Aerobique Exercise Workout Album

Beyond the obvious things wrong with this concept - the dated Jane Fonda gag, song titles like "A Little Chin Music," the fact that puppets don't exercise - we're really not digging that suggestive Piggy pose on the album cover. Kermit may have had green balls over that shot and lost a few tadpoles in his shorts, but it just makes us ... hungry. Come on, who doesn't like hot pork? But we'll pass on Gonzo's "pork sandwich" suggestion.