9. THE READER

He's not about the quick in and out of doing his bathroom business. He likes to hunker down with the newspaper, magazine and/or (heaven help us) a good book. For him, it's the relaxing toilet ride that makes the perfect spot to enjoy the written word. And yes, these are same periodicals that make their way back to the lunch room.

 

8. THE GRUNTER

Oh, you know him. He's in the stall next to you bellowing like he's about to give birth to a calf. Each grunt is preceded by short gasps for air, and a quick fart.  And you know the exact second he's done because the big finale is punctuated with a sigh of relief.

 

7. THE WORKER

Mr. Multitasker wouldn't dream of not answering his phone, even if he's draining the lizard, or worse, dropping the kids off at the pool. He often tries to disguise his location by mentioning "I'm away from my desk right now," but the stall echoes and sounds of background flushing are unmistakable.

 

6. THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR

He figures what better time to make friends and be chatty than when you're in the restroom. He often intros with "Some weather were having," "How are you doing?" or "Wheeew, sorry about that, I had Mexican last night." No matter how short your response, he keeps—with his dick in his hand—talking to you.

 

5. THE RIM SHAKER

He's the guy in the stall next to you going one on one with a dingleberry. His ass is rocking back and forth/hopping up and down on the seat in a vain attempt to drop that last hanger-on. The Friendly Neighbor will often root him on. "Stick with it. It'll go!"

 

4. THE PHOBIAST

He's spraying Lysol, slathering in hand sanitizer and laying down railroad track-sized strips of toilet paper to make sure his ass does not come in contact with any previous asses. After washing up, he must use paper towels to open the door.

 

 

3, THE SHOWERER

With his bathroom kit spread out at the sink, he looks like his girlfriend has booted him from the apartment. He's brushing his teeth, splashing water on his face, combing his hair, and frequently changes clothes.

 

2. THE GAWKER

It's subtle, but he's checking out your package at the urinal.

 

1. THE FIRE HOSE

He's not using the urinal. Instead he marches into the stall and whips it out without so much of a thought of lifting the lid. With the accuracy of a 4-year-old, he sprays the seat, hoses the backstop, and finishes by shaking it on the floor.