Facebook can be a great tool to keep up with your social circle and reconnect with old friends. But these status updaters make you miss the days of Myspace.

 

7. Mr. I Won't Shut The Fuck Up About My Kids

OK, we get it. You have a child, but you don't have to tell the world every time your offspring "is awake!" or "just sneezed!" While your spouse or the occasional relative will respond with an "Aww cute!", the rest of us are wondering why we're even friends with you. From now on, only give us updates about your kid if it does something noteworthy like "rewrites the Declaration of Independence in Esperanto" or "gets shit on by a dog."

 

6. Ms. Attention-Craving Drama Queen

This updater needs to make sure people are worried or concerned about her at all times, so she updates her Facebook status with things that beg people to respond with "What happened?" or "Are you all right?" And instead of having a real problem, she's baited you into responding because "her boss didn't say hi to her this morning." The problem with this annoying updater is after she cries wolf with a few of these faux problems, she could update her Facebook with "I'm in the process of getting stabbed in the face, someone please help me!" and you'll a) not believe her or b) be the one who's doing the stabbing.

 

5. Mr. I Comment On My Own Updates

Stop. Just stop. Your attempts to spark up a conversation and look popular are trumped by your eventual pathetic groveling. You are too sad to make fun of.

 

4. Mr. I Only Talk About Politics

Yeah, the government sucks. We all agree. But maybe you could get a hobby or something because reading the shit you call a status update is about as interesting as watching C-SPAN III at four in the morning. Do you really think you're enlightening all of us and at some point we're all going to collectively come to our senses and say, 'Hey, he's right! The House of Representatives is a tyrannical and sycophantic breeding ground for Godless socialism and infringements of our rights. Let's all band together and change the system!" Instead, we just think you're a loser and vote for whoever you're against out of spite.

3. MR. LOL-Nazi

You use LOL as a verb, a noun, an adverb, a past-perfect pronoun and you've even dangled its participle. You're an addict. LOL is your meth and the Internet is your lab. But the thing is, you just throw it in there to let everyone know that what you are saying is a joke because what you are saying is so unfunny that you actually need to come out and say "What I am saying is supposed to be funny, but since it's not, here's an LOL to make sure you know I'm trying to be funny." And then you force whoever you're talking to to throw in a polite LOL as a response. You're the guy who always laughs at his own jokes and you suck.

 

2. Mr. I Have No Grasp Of The English Language

I understand that the written word is a little fast and loose on the Internet. We abbreviate words and tend to not get too worked up over semi-colon usage, but this status updater would make more sense if he took a shit on his keyboard and let the weight of his feces type out his status updates.

 

1. Mr. I Take Every Quiz And Play Every Game On Facebook And I Will Attempt To Involve You In All Of Them

I don't care that you "need night vision goggles" for your Mafia Wars game or that the Gilligan's Island character you are is the Professor or that you scored "10 out of 10 in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Quiz!" Since you seem enamored of all these, I have a quiz for you. It's called the "I Am A Dumbass Quiz." It's only one question and you can take it here:

Question: I am a Dumbass?

Answers:

A) Yes

B) Am a dumbass

C) Dumbass is me!?!?

D) Dumbass

Congratulations! You are a dumbass! Just pick one of the answers above and send it to all your friends 10 million times a day!