Marvel Comics celebrates its 70th anniversary today, so we're going to take a moment to remember every lame attempt Marvel superheroes have made to sell us something, get us to watch something, or to humiliate themselves in front of Willard Scott. Excelsior!


Ever wonder why Marvel never had a #1 single on the Billboard charts? This may offer up some clues. So the only adjective you can find to describe the Hulk is "Hulky"? Who's writing this shit, John Mayer?


You think Spider-Man fights crime because of some childhood trauma and an intense sense of guilt and responsibility? Wrong. He fights crime because he apparently has a serious Vitamin C deficiency.


"My favorite heroes are Spider-Man…and my Uncle Fred." Also? "The strange guy wearing skintight spandex and crouching on the edge of my bed every night with his menacing and suggestive white eyes burning a hole in my PJs are Spider-Man…and my Uncle Fred."


Hey, let's get a superhero is not known for being particularly fast or even, for that matter, EVER WEARING SHOES to promote a line of sneakers. Was Quicksilver busy?


It comes with an Invisible Woman you can drown in shallow water just like in Reed Richards' recurring dreams! And, yes, that annoying squish-faced moppet is the same kid from the movie Liar, Liar.


Why does Captain America sound like a meathead douche who'd just as soon wedgie Spider-Man and attempt to date rape Scarlet Witch in the parking lot of a Dane Cook show? Wait, don't answer that. We think we know why.


Oh, we get it. American Spider-Man eats oranges and takes the bus. But "El Speeder-Meng" jacks cars and joyrides. Shameless.


So much going on here. From Dr. Strange (apparently his powers consist solely of inflating balloons under his cape and letting them go) to Dr. Doom's sweatpants to Power Man's Power Bulge to the inexplicable RoboCop cameo to the idea that the heroes are all somehow re-enacting the clock tower scene from Back to the Future…we're spent.